Letter to a friend
Heres an email to a friend that pretty much catches up on my life....
Well let me first start by saying I'm sorry that its taking me a bit to respond. I wanted to make sure I had more then 5 mins and no distractions to respond. I have been busy and when it seems like I have a minute to write I'm so tired of thinking that nothing comes out to type. I owe you a long email and wanted to make sure that this is of good quality to, not just a "hey hows it going I'm good" email bc u know that would be a lie anyways haha.
Anyways, Wow. Thats my response to your email. That sucks. Seriously. Being bitter and fucked over as hell I'm not very good at the sympathy anymore, I'm not sure what to say to make u feel better bc I dont know what better is anymore. Its been so long since I felt love, I'm scared that it doesn't exist. The truth is that who knows what live has instore for us. I cant guess it for myself or you. I do know that you are one of a kind 'm'. Thats a good thing. You'd never cheat, never lie, never hit or blow a girl off. Never tell her that shes pretty to get her into bed, when you say it its true. Your kind, sweet, caring and I don't know if there is a girl out there that deserves you. You need to start thinking "whos worthy of my love" not whos love am I worthy of? This is how we need to start thinking. She wasnt worthy if she couldnt treat u right. "A" (my ex) is not worthy of my love, they don't know what love is because if they did they would appreciate it and respect it more. You ever feel like romance is dead? That people dont respect other people? Now a days cheating is as common as exercise. Actually I think people cheat more then they exercise. Sex ercise I guess. New diet I know nothing about?
Anyways, what happened to the days where people didn't lie or cheat... maybe I was just naive and didn't realize that this is how it works. I use to trust so much and I cant anymore. I'm spend and tired, bitter and cynical. "A" use to be so trust worthy. Back in the day when I met him he'd do anything for me and now he won't even call me on the phone. Now, when we first met I didn't use him I have to make that clear. We met and I wasn't interested, the thing was I told him straight froward, never lead him on, never used him like so many people seem to do to each other. I told him straight up "I'm not ready to commit and need some time but your a great guy and I want to be friends" I know what your thinking, girls always say this is must be a line there taught right? Well it wasnt... to be honest I was scared of him, scared of loving and I thought, 'wow hes such a great guy I'm not worthy'. Guess I was wrong. We tried dating once before and I got freaked out and broke it off with him. We stayed friends but lost touch for about a year. I thought about him and missed him more and more in that year. Then one day out of the blue he messaged me on msn, practically a year later. Long story short, we started talking then started kissing then started dating. The sad part is that he was sooo mature when I met him and now, hes soo immature. What happened??!!! I could trust him b4 with so much b4, now I feel like he doesnt care, sometimes I feel like he doesnt have feelings. I tried talking to him sooo many times but he either would be silent or start crying. He would never tell me anything back. I opened up and told him alot and he barely said anything. Not that he wouldn't lie but he was just silent, Silence is a lie in my eyes. Not sayin anything is worse then lying. Bah! So we broke up. It should of ended there. I'm so strong and never let people walk over so why does he have such a hold on me? Maybe I'm scared that no one else is there so Im scared to let go. maybe I'm scared of losing him again. Maybe I'm scared that I lost my chance with him and I let him get away with too much. Like I deserve this. Its like karma and spite and I deserve it for saying no. It makes me sad thinking I lost the chance with him... Its like I'm trying to make it work too much or something and hes getting annoyed and not treating me right bc he doesnt really want it. I need to get rid of him but I dunno I'm so confused some days I want him and other, I know I deserve better and dont want him. I guess the real question is that if someone else was in the picture and I saw that someone else likes me, would I still want him? Maybe its just bc I'm lonely, I really dont know. I know I do think hes nice and fun when he lets himselve be. I mean that you hear the bad times, the good times are great its not all bad. I feel like im starting to blank out and get distracted right now. Must be my mind telling me not ot think about it anymore. The truth is I'm sick of talking and thinking about him. I'll probably still talk to him but I think im going to try to cool it down a bit bc of that whole "kiss" thing. U know what im talking about right? I do recall me telling the story...(the girl who is his friend and kissed him). He said he doesnt want her, he told me about it, he did the trust worthy thing that was good. Cried about it with me and talked about it.... I do beleive him for once. But the next day after we talked about it, I brought it up again (for I guess reassurance) and he seemed annoyed and didnt want to talk about it anymore. It bothered me bc u think he should be almost sucking up knowing that he hurt me and he was back to hes old self not talking and being silent. Makes me think.... He did go out of his way on sat to visit me tho, He seemed distant tho. I was really hammered tho so maybe I was coming on strong and he was being respectful I dunno hahaha. Im giving it a couple more days and the next time I see him and hes still distant.... well then I know what I got to do. *sigh* I dunno what I think anymore. I need some alone time away from him and to my self. Need to go out and meet some new guys and see what it is I feel. Never cheating, never lying along the way. Even if I get lied to I just cant do that to others. I wanna be good and do good even if I cant get that back in return. I hope I do. I hope you do too bc Im starting to think u and I are the only people left that jsut doesnt do those things. Were good people and maybe it ll take alwhile but dont people always get what they deserve? Does this mean that we will get good things in return? One could only dream.
Sorry this is so long u got me ranting hahaha. I hope it makes sense to. Im sorry for what happened to u. I really am. It makes me smile less thinking someone else is going through something similiar and I jsut want my friends happy. I want me happy to and I hope it happens. Well there you go 'm' a long email for a change hahaha. Have a good day and well smile. Even if its just for me hehhe. Bye bye for now!
-Mellie
