The truth
I feel like I'm breaking right now... like this is rock bottom in emotions right now and I'm there. For like the past 2 days I can't stop crying. About what? About everything I feel is wrong with my life, I try to concertrate on the positives in my life but the negatives keep tearing me down and everything else. I dunno maybe I need to talk to my doctor about this. I mean I can't count the amount of times I cried in the past month bc theres to many. But then when I am ready to go talk to someone all of a sudden I'll have a good hour or afternoon and I'll feel fine and like I'm faking. I don't want the doc to think I'm a whiner and a faker... plus I don't see how a pill can make me feel better. A pill isn't going to magically change my life, it'll still be the same. I know the pills can fix an imbalance in my system that makes me feel this way and it can make me feel not so worthless and make me able to change things. I've seen pills work on my sister and cousin but I just don't see how or if they'll help me...sigh...This sucks too b/c I'm at work right now with just silence and my thoughts and all I wanna do is cry. Then next 6.5 hours are going to kill me tonight. I just keep thinking about that girl I use to be and wonder what happened to her. I had goals and was in school, went to the gym and even had a crappy job waitressing but I was happy. Maybe I just think I was happy bc im miserable now but I'm pretty sure I was happy. Now I'm in debt, stuck at home with a parttime good job that might end soon. It hurts to breath today, I'm panicking. I got a bf now that a year ago I thought I'd never see again who treats me like crap.
The sad thing is I actually feel bad for him bc I'm not the girl who I was b4 (or at least feel like that) and I think thats who he fell inlove with. Now, I'm this emotional needy girl who questions our relationship every second week. I'm driving him nuts. He doesn't even care when I cry anymore bc hes probably so use to hearing it and then he just says stuff that hurts me even more. I hate the girl I am now and wish I never blew the chance to be with him in the past bc then I think we would of had a good relationship and now...well its not so good. Things seem ok when I'm with him but when were apart it sucks. Hes distant and seems disinterested. I guess I waited so long for another chance to have a loving relationship, that I jumped into this one not realizing the loving part isnt there.
Hes different too tho. Hes meanier then he use to be. I feel like thats my fault to bc in the past he was too nice for his own good and scared me away and I told him to be more "mean". Now I want that old 'A' back and I think I killed him...haha this sucks. I know a part of me is jumping on the bad stuff and almost sabatoging this relationship... I bet if I didn't question it so much it would give him a chance to miss me and show me that he does care at the same time I dunno how much more time I can give this bc look how much time I have already. I'm messed up. Plus at the same time I'm "feuding" with friends right now. The only girl I feel close to has her own problems and doesn't need to deal with mine. I keep talking bout the same things and I'm sure shes sick of it by now. I feel so alone. I feel like I converted back to that 13 yr old girl who spent weekends with my mom and had no bc or friends. Now this probably isnt true but like I said I cant stop concertating on the negatives in my life right now.
I guess I pictured when I was 22 that my life was going to be so grand and full of potential... I'm turning 22 and I don't even want to have my b-day. Me and 'A' are fighting, my friends no one has even asked about my b-day and I can't think of anything I wanna go do that excites me. I just wanna hide from everyone cuz I got nothing to celebrate. I work and sit at home. Sometimes go for wings, sometimes see 'A'. Sometimes go to a friends house but there obbessed with the bar right now that there usually there and I'm not. Its to hard for me to go there and pretend to have fun. Plus I'll see couples and its sad and people who seem happy. Arg!
Hahahah actually tho, after writing this I feel a tad better. I guess I needed to get this off my chest. I should go back to work since I got here I've been fighting with 'A' and crying. I dunno whats going to happen I could see me writing in here next week being like oh everythings good. But this time I can see it being the other way too.. possibly over bc we've done this fight too many times. I dunno I wish he'd come around and say hes sorry and be that great guy I know he is... thats my b-day wish bc I do like him.....Sigh... I think this is enoguh whining for now.
posted by sleeplessly_single @ 4:35 PM
