A day in the life of....

Not ready.....

2006-06-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

So pretty much alot sucks right now. I got another speeding ticket ($195), my hours at work suck ass right now and, yes, me and 'A' started officially dating and broke up 20 days later. I'm sick of him and writing about him and complaining I'll never talk to him again.. This time tho (I know I've said this b4) it's over. He finally gave me a solid answer for a change bout anything. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said. "I dunno" then we talked some more and and I said "so I guess this is over" he said "I guess so.." I said, "No more guess so's and I dunno's 'A' a real answer and truth if u care anything for me... is this over?" He said "yes." This first he ever says yes to me and look what its for haha. I'm bothered tho bc I want answers to certain stuff and I dont feel like I'll get them. I feel like I can let go and be angry at the stuff I should be if I can get the answers. This happened Tuesday and today was the first day I talked to him since then... he made me mad acting like nothing has happened. I want to get together with him to try to get my answers but I dunno if that'll happen... Anyways heres hoping to a good summer with a lousy start... This Dixie chick song pretty much sums up my feelings right now...

I'm Not Ready To Make Nice - DIxie Chicks

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price,
and i'll keep payingI'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have timeTo go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I shouldI know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like itI made by bed,
and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I shouldI'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

The past, present and future

2006-05-17T21:53:00.000-07:00

The Past:
U ever hear someone say the past can haunt you? It kinda did for me today.... well not just today but this week. I was told I have troubles letting things go from the past, I mean maybe this person is right but apparently I guess some people from the past have troubles letting me go to so I don't feel so bad haha. Seans from the past he was my first love. My first real boyfriend... my first everything. We dated for over a year. It kinda ended badly, I mean we were young. We saw each other once at the bar before, had small talk and that was that pretty much. My friend Lisa, we were like best friends out of high school. We hung out all the time... super close till she wasn't really being a good friend and dated this asshole guy and that was that. I didn't hear from her again....

The Present:
Lisa called me today. It was soo weird like out of no where. I wasn't home there was a messaged on my machine saying "hey its lisa, wanted to catch up call me back." After a long debate on whether to phone back or not I did. It was weird but good to hear from her. I dunno if we'll ever savage a friendship again like before but it was nice to hear from her. We are going to go for coffee, catch up and stuff. She sounds like she needs a friend right now and I know even after 2 years and her not being a very good friend to me I'm still here if she needs me. Damn this good nature of mine right haha. I'm not going to let her walk all over me or anything but sometimes when it comes down to it you need a good friend, a shoulder to cry on and I won't turn that away even after 15 years. A true friend never shuns you even after sooo many years.
Sean.... wow. I always kinda wanted to talk to him again. I'd picture it in my head and how it would go. Sometimes I think deep down inside I truly want him back and miss him.. I was searching on myspace one night during work haha and clicked on this random guy out of no where. I scrolled down his page and poof there was a pic of him! I messaged this guy and asked if Sean had msn and he gave me his addy. I added him and one day he signed on and we talked! Soooooo weird. It was alot of small talk really. Alot of computer akewardness haha too. But I found out the stuff I was curious about. He acted like he didnt know who I was or remember anything bout me at first but then after a while of talking he said some old stories about us that he would only remember if he cared about me. Kinda nice. Kinda scary. Kinda weird haha. I have mixed emotions talking to him. I feel.. I dunno really. I thought maybe I want him back but I was with 'A' last night (yes were hanging out again theres a story im not getting into haha) and realized that maybe I dont want sean back and that 'A' does mean more to me then I let on. Still it was nice and weird talking to these people this week...

The Future:
Not sure what the future has instore for me lately.. getting kinda interesting I hope it takes a good turn *Knocks on wood* I do wanna see 'A' again... things seem to be going good between us. We'll see if Sean and I ever get together for coffee like I suggested (he said "maybe, we'll see"). That would be the only way to see if feelings are still there to see him. Going out with Lisa will be interesting, she had a baby and I interested to see her daughter. Oh and 'E' is pregnant. Shes one ofmy best friends and just told me today. Im still in denial tho haha. But wow, crazyness I know theres soo many ppl around her to help her and she sounds like shes got some things under control. Still its still scary and I'm going to be there for her soo much like she would for me! So I'm getting tired tho too much thinking today I tell ya.. Until next time..

Letter to a friend

2006-05-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

Heres an email to a friend that pretty much catches up on my life....

Well let me first start by saying I'm sorry that its taking me a bit to respond. I wanted to make sure I had more then 5 mins and no distractions to respond. I have been busy and when it seems like I have a minute to write I'm so tired of thinking that nothing comes out to type. I owe you a long email and wanted to make sure that this is of good quality to, not just a "hey hows it going I'm good" email bc u know that would be a lie anyways haha.

Anyways, Wow. Thats my response to your email. That sucks. Seriously. Being bitter and fucked over as hell I'm not very good at the sympathy anymore, I'm not sure what to say to make u feel better bc I dont know what better is anymore. Its been so long since I felt love, I'm scared that it doesn't exist. The truth is that who knows what live has instore for us. I cant guess it for myself or you. I do know that you are one of a kind 'm'. Thats a good thing. You'd never cheat, never lie, never hit or blow a girl off. Never tell her that shes pretty to get her into bed, when you say it its true. Your kind, sweet, caring and I don't know if there is a girl out there that deserves you. You need to start thinking "whos worthy of my love" not whos love am I worthy of? This is how we need to start thinking. She wasnt worthy if she couldnt treat u right. "A" (my ex) is not worthy of my love, they don't know what love is because if they did they would appreciate it and respect it more. You ever feel like romance is dead? That people dont respect other people? Now a days cheating is as common as exercise. Actually I think people cheat more then they exercise. Sex ercise I guess. New diet I know nothing about?
Anyways, what happened to the days where people didn't lie or cheat... maybe I was just naive and didn't realize that this is how it works. I use to trust so much and I cant anymore. I'm spend and tired, bitter and cynical. "A" use to be so trust worthy. Back in the day when I met him he'd do anything for me and now he won't even call me on the phone. Now, when we first met I didn't use him I have to make that clear. We met and I wasn't interested, the thing was I told him straight froward, never lead him on, never used him like so many people seem to do to each other. I told him straight up "I'm not ready to commit and need some time but your a great guy and I want to be friends" I know what your thinking, girls always say this is must be a line there taught right? Well it wasnt... to be honest I was scared of him, scared of loving and I thought, 'wow hes such a great guy I'm not worthy'. Guess I was wrong. We tried dating once before and I got freaked out and broke it off with him. We stayed friends but lost touch for about a year. I thought about him and missed him more and more in that year. Then one day out of the blue he messaged me on msn, practically a year later. Long story short, we started talking then started kissing then started dating. The sad part is that he was sooo mature when I met him and now, hes soo immature. What happened??!!! I could trust him b4 with so much b4, now I feel like he doesnt care, sometimes I feel like he doesnt have feelings. I tried talking to him sooo many times but he either would be silent or start crying. He would never tell me anything back. I opened up and told him alot and he barely said anything. Not that he wouldn't lie but he was just silent, Silence is a lie in my eyes. Not sayin anything is worse then lying. Bah! So we broke up. It should of ended there. I'm so strong and never let people walk over so why does he have such a hold on me? Maybe I'm scared that no one else is there so Im scared to let go. maybe I'm scared of losing him again. Maybe I'm scared that I lost my chance with him and I let him get away with too much. Like I deserve this. Its like karma and spite and I deserve it for saying no. It makes me sad thinking I lost the chance with him... Its like I'm trying to make it work too much or something and hes getting annoyed and not treating me right bc he doesnt really want it. I need to get rid of him but I dunno I'm so confused some days I want him and other, I know I deserve better and dont want him. I guess the real question is that if someone else was in the picture and I saw that someone else likes me, would I still want him? Maybe its just bc I'm lonely, I really dont know. I know I do think hes nice and fun when he lets himselve be. I mean that you hear the bad times, the good times are great its not all bad. I feel like im starting to blank out and get distracted right now. Must be my mind telling me not ot think about it anymore. The truth is I'm sick of talking and thinking about him. I'll probably still talk to him but I think im going to try to cool it down a bit bc of that whole "kiss" thing. U know what im talking about right? I do recall me telling the story...(the girl who is his friend and kissed him). He said he doesnt want her, he told me about it, he did the trust worthy thing that was good. Cried about it with me and talked about it.... I do beleive him for once. But the next day after we talked about it, I brought it up again (for I guess reassurance) and he seemed annoyed and didnt want to talk about it anymore. It bothered me bc u think he should be almost sucking up knowing that he hurt me and he was back to hes old self not talking and being silent. Makes me think.... He did go out of his way on sat to visit me tho, He seemed distant tho. I was really hammered tho so maybe I was coming on strong and he was being respectful I dunno hahaha. Im giving it a couple more days and the next time I see him and hes still distant.... well then I know what I got to do. *sigh* I dunno what I think anymore. I need some alone time away from him and to my self. Need to go out and meet some new guys and see what it is I feel. Never cheating, never lying along the way. Even if I get lied to I just cant do that to others. I wanna be good and do good even if I cant get that back in return. I hope I do. I hope you do too bc Im starting to think u and I are the only people left that jsut doesnt do those things. Were good people and maybe it ll take alwhile but dont people always get what they deserve? Does this mean that we will get good things in return? One could only dream.

Sorry this is so long u got me ranting hahaha. I hope it makes sense to. Im sorry for what happened to u. I really am. It makes me smile less thinking someone else is going through something similiar and I jsut want my friends happy. I want me happy to and I hope it happens. Well there you go 'm' a long email for a change hahaha. Have a good day and well smile. Even if its just for me hehhe. Bye bye for now!
-Mellie

Catching up

2006-04-06T11:02:00.000-07:00

I feel like lately I've been neglecting my blog. It hasn't been that long since I wrote but I might be loosing interest in it. I going to try not to b/c I feel like writing is a stress reliever, even if I'm not writing much. I can put down the things I don't feel like sharing with friends too b/c this blog will never judge me.... I like that hehehe so sorry for neglecting.

I feel like I been working alot lately, mostly weekends which sucks. I'm totally in the 'I gotta go out' mind frame lately so I feel like its killing my weekends but I've been making do. I guess I feel like that bc its been a month since I've been single and not that I want a b/f right now, I just want the opportunity to go out and meet new people. Try new things and at least this friday I don't work and Aseia promised she'd take me out so I'm excited for that! Hehehe.

What else?? I applied for a couple courses for schooling but I'm still not really sure - the ward unit clerk course I probably won't take..... I don't wanna spend that much on something that might only be a part-time job plus I heard from some people all I need is like Medical termnology and like a computer course and not the whole course. I applied for Dental Assisting, but theres like 2 year waiting list. I was interested in it a couple years ago but didn't take it maybe I might this time, I'm not sure just gotta see what happens. But yea right now I'm picking up extra shifts at work so it's all good.

Me, erynn and ryan had alittle outting yesterday it was fun. From like 2 till like midnight we were out ahahhaha. We went for lunch, the park, driving, bowling, drink hahaha it was afull day. I haven't had a day like that in a while. The 3 of us have the same days off usually so its good bc we get together usually. I've been out most of the week for a change so thats good to keep busy and have fun. But I feel kinda burnt out today like I need a day to just do nothing. Well its been fun catching up but I gotta go hahaha. No I'll write more later byebye for now.

Just a moment of weakness

2006-03-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

I'm having a moment of weakness. You ever feel like that? Like all of a sudden you feel weak about the stuff you were so strong about (for example your on a diet and then eat tons of chocolate haha)falls flat and you give in. I feel guilty bout having a moment of weakness so its feels worse. I feel even worse talking bout it but I needed to tell someone. My day started strong but here alone with my thoughts at work for 8 hours..... I'm slipping. Hard.

I miss him today. Been doing great lately but today and just today I miss him that it hurts. I panicked thinking I'm never going to get over him... Maybe I threw it away? No, I tried so hard...... maybe, maybe I said something stupid and he would of come back to me if I wouldn't of said this stupid thing.. yes, that must be it. No, its not. Maybe I loved him.... probably not. Like yes, lust yes, love no. I'm slipping... when will I be over you? I cried to have you back in my life as my friend and now I want to rid myself of you. I need to. Today I'm weak, tomorrow I need to be strong.

I messaged him. Simple messages like "hi" and "hows it going" and "have fun at work" he messaged back "hey"and "going good and u" and "ok bye." We talked last week it was great I got things off my chest and we ended our conversation really well. I was good after that but today I miss him.

I feel like I don't want anyone else but him. I got another guy who wants to take me out but I'm not interested. I need this feeling to pass. I didn't like him b4 why now do I want to be only with him?? I can't wait for this feeling to pass. Today I'm not there, tomorrow I need to be. I need to stop talking to him, even if its a week at a time. Its dragging it on too long I think. Not giving myself time to get over that hurdle if we still talk. No more calls, I can't. Not friends now too early, maybe later. Today was the last message it needs to be over if its over. Competely over so I can be over him. Then I won't have a moment of weakness.. out of sight out of mind. Today is weak tomorrow is strong and next month will be great.

Goodbye 'A'.

T is for tired

2006-03-19T04:28:00.000-08:00

I have to warn you first hand.... its 6:30 am and I haven't slept yet or slept much this weekend so if this doesn't make sense thats why.. if anyone reads this anymore or not hahahaa. No its not a crazy fun weekend its just my last midnight shift at work. It's going not to bad tho, this is the first midnight that I worked since my surgery so I feel refreshed for midnights and not like I wanna kill myself working them. Besides its kinda nice b/c I feel like everyone is watching me here waiting for me to cry or something that I didnt get that fulltime term... I'm ok bout it now but I was upset. It was hard to see my boss and everyone else who kept convincing me that I'll get it and got my hopes up. Plus I was told that I didnt get it like not even a week after me and 'A' broke up so when I did work after that my face and attitude was dragging. Everyone thought I was really upset but it was more my personal life that I was upset about too not just the job haha. But you don't feel like sharing that with your work life. Anyways, haha so its ok to work alone for a change.

Work is going ok tho, nothing really horrible or anything. After my surgery and the break-up and the no job offer... oh and the one date I did go on didn't call me back, I was kinda in the dumps a bit. I needed a pick me up.... badly haha. So I got my ass out of bed and started looking how to fix things. I'm still searching hahah but I'm doing better. I've been thinking of going back to school. I know I don't wanna borrow money again for school and be in dept but I need something more. So I picked a course that'll take less then a year and has more jobs in it. I'm going to talk to the school on monday or tuesday bout it. I think theres jobs I always see jobs posted mabye not always fulltime but theres tons of premanent ones and I gotta take a risk with something. Oh, its a ward unit clerk incase your wondering hahha. So let me know if you know anything bout it.

I'm NOT counting chickens b4 they hatch tho. I've been doing that lately (with 'A' and the fulltime term) and being kinda cocky with it and everything I felt certain about (hense the counting the chickens) has turned to shit so I don't feel so confident. Hhahahha all my eggs broke I think. But I got a new basket and hoping to have some chickens this time (like the metaphors? ha). So anyways I'm hoping that everything runs smooth and I go back to school. Also, its a night time course to so it doesn't interfer with my job either. My friends keep talking bout going on a trip in December too. And I thought since I'm going to pull out money from the bank for school why not pull out a bit more and go on a trip!! *KNOCKS ON WOOD* hopefully the bank lets me take out another loan (the first one is almost paid off!!!!) and I can do that. Luckily I got a course thing in the mail and I'll be on my vacation at that time too. It sucks b/c its 2 couples planning this trip but you know what? If I wait for someone else to go it may never happen and there all my friends so it'll be ok. It'll be a tad lonely but why not be lonely in Mexico instead of Winnipeg when I hang out with them. Besides we can't book till September so maybe someone else will be able to go too. But its all talk and we'll see by then if it happens. As long as I can get the cash then it should be ok.... so pray for me out there hahaha.

These are things I'm looking forward too, which is good b/c its making me feel better bout my life and leave the loneliness of 'A' not being there. Plus, I've been going to the Y lately and watching the hotties work out (yes I'm working out while I do this hehe) and that makes me feel better too. I've been having fun lately and I hope it continues too feeling like MAYBE there is someone else out there and not so discouraged. Even tho like I said earlier that I did go on a date and he didn't call me back. I got the brush off. It was ok... well not really b/c no one wants the brush off but it was ok b/c I didn't know if I was interested. He seemed nice and all but there was akewardness there (I know every first date has that) but it didn't go away and thats when I realized I need to be single. I don't really want to be but I need to be. I need time to get over 'A' and I wasn't ready for the date. I thought I would be but wasn't so its ok if hes not interested. A little discouraging that another guy turns me down but at the same time good b/c I didn't need to deal with another guy problem at the moment hahah. Plus it proved to me that my feelings for 'A' were real and I need time to get over them.

Anyways, yea lately I've been busy with the gym and gonig out with friends. There giving me pointers of how to date and giving me self-confidence tips too which help. I really need to work on that. I need to flirt with my eyes and believe that guys like me hahahah. Not stare at the ground thinking they don't like me. Maybe if I believe in myself I'll find a guy that'll treat me right and stuff. But yea for now being sleeplessly single isn't so bad hehehe.

It's too early and late for all this thinking hahah. I'm so tired!! I've been up for over 20 hours now so you can just imagine why I sound nuts on here and like my thoughts are everywhere. B/c they are hahaha. But I'm almost done work and need to get back to it so chow-bella.

Nothing special

2006-03-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

Ok, so my posts lately have been kinda depressing. I've been kinda depressing lately too but I'm trying to be ok at being single and at being happy right now. So far so good.....Sigh.... It's still hard tho. Me and 'A' have spoke twice since we broke up. no worries its completely over. I know its better this way I need to find a guy that'll treat me right bc 'A' might be a good friend but he is a lousy bf. My girls took me dancing on Friday to Coyotes. That helped. We had a dance off with 3 other guys doing stupid dances hahaha it was great... anyways I don't have too much time to talk on here right now but I saw this on another blog and stole it muahahaha and here are my answers.......

Mark your confessions:

[ x] I have a crush on my co-worker.
[x] I'm afraid of silence.
[ x] I talk A LOT when I get really nervous.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I'm afraid of the dark.
[ ] I'm afraid of facing my back to open doors at night.
[ ] I Can't sleep in a room if the door is open.
[ ] I am homosexual.
[x] I believe in true love.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I shut others out when I'm sad.
[x] I've stayed out all night.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I watch the news.
[x] I own over 5 rap/hiphop CDs.
[x] I love Disney movies.
[x] I am a sucker for green eyes.
[x] I am a sucker for brown eyes.
[x] I am a sucker for blue eyes.
[ ] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I curse.
[ ] I have "x's in my screen name.
[x] I've slipped and fell in public.
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[ ] I love SPAM. (Go Austin, MN!)
[ ] I bake well.
[ ] I have worn pajamas to class.
[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie.
[ x] I want a better job.
[x] Talked on a phone for 5+ hours.
[ ] I love Dr. Phil.
[x] I like someone. (Are you kidding me?)
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self-conscious.
[x] I love to laugh.
[x] I have tried alcohol.
[ ] I drink alcohol on a regular basis.
[ ] I have smoked a pack in one day.
[ ] I liked Pulp Fiction.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[ ] I have a lot of scars.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I love chocolate.
[x ] I bite my nails.
[ ] I am not comfortable with being me.
[x] I play computer games when I'm bored.
[x] Got lost in the city.
[x] Seen a shooting star.
[x] Gone out in public in my pajamas.
[ ] Have kissed a stranger.
[x] Have kissed someone really strange.
[x] Hugged a stranger.
[ ] Been in a bloody fist fight with someone of a diff. sex.
[ ] Been in a fist fight.
[ ] Been arrested.
[ ] Laughed and had a beverage come out of my nose.
[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] Made out in an elevator.
[ ] Swore at Liberace.
[x] Kicked a guy where it hurts on purpose.
[ ] Been skydiving.
[ ] Been bungee jumping.
[x] Got stitches.
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ x] Bitten someone.
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.
[x] Got the chicken pox.
[ ] Crashed into a car.
[ ] Been to Japan.
[x] Ridden in a taxi.
[ ] Shoplifted.
[ x] Been fired.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[ ] Stole something from your job.
[ x] Gone on a blind date.
[ ] Had a crush on a teacher/coach
[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.
[ ] Been to Europe.
[ ] Slept with a co-worker, and/or employee.
[ ] Been married.
[ ] Gotten divorced.
[ x] Saw someone/something dying.
[ ] Have a list of people you want to kill.
[ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day.
[x] Been to Canada.
[x] Been on a plane.
[ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[ ] Thrown up in a bar.
[x] Eaten sushi.
[ ] Been skiing.
[x] Been ice skating.
[x] Cried in public.
[ ] Walked purposely into traffic with your eyes closed.
[x] Liked someone even though you knew you shouldn't have.
[x] Thought of someone almost 24/7.
[ ] Hate the world.
[ ] Wrote a book that nobody liked.
[x] Take my pants off very slowly.
[ ] Have a soft spot for cheap Asian men.
[ ] Lick EVERYTHING

Happy bad birthday

2006-02-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

Well it's my birthday......whoo hoo (can you sense the sarcastic tone?). This is a really bad birthday for me so far. Me and 'A' are over. For good this time. I know I said it in the past but this time its really over. He likes me alot but doesn't want a gf. He told me this on saturday, that he didn't want it to end but... like what the hell does that even mean?? So I convinced him to give it a try anyways and I'll show him how good it could be bc hes scared.

By sunday I talked to him he still had a tone in his voice that says "I don't really want this" and he came here yesterday and yea..... I couldn't even look at him but yet I stared directly into his eyes. I saw like for me and care but distance. I couldn't take it anymore so I told him that I know he really doesn't want this and its time for it to be over.

After 4 months if he still feels the same then yea theres no point in continuing. I'm not a doormat. All he kept saying was "I like you alot and am scared to loose you" and "I don't want this to end but.." I maybe would of kept trying but with that "but" there you know that hes not feeling the same that I am. I know I did the right thing but I kept feeling doubt like I didn't give him enough time.... I know I shouldnt feel like that. I guess apart of me doesn't want to be single either. I hate it I want a bf to share things with. Still, I can't stay with him and pretend that our relationship is good bc I want a bf. Its scary too bc hes really the only guy that I was back and forth with for 3 years. Yea, I've had crushes on other guys but hes really been the only one that I dated off and on for 3 years. It's hard. Specially today, everyones calling me wishing me a happy birthday and everytime I hear that I just want to scream "whats so good and happy bout it?" and cry. Todays going to be hard. *sigh*

The truth

2006-02-25T16:35:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm breaking right now... like this is rock bottom in emotions right now and I'm there. For like the past 2 days I can't stop crying. About what? About everything I feel is wrong with my life, I try to concertrate on the positives in my life but the negatives keep tearing me down and everything else. I dunno maybe I need to talk to my doctor about this. I mean I can't count the amount of times I cried in the past month bc theres to many. But then when I am ready to go talk to someone all of a sudden I'll have a good hour or afternoon and I'll feel fine and like I'm faking. I don't want the doc to think I'm a whiner and a faker... plus I don't see how a pill can make me feel better. A pill isn't going to magically change my life, it'll still be the same. I know the pills can fix an imbalance in my system that makes me feel this way and it can make me feel not so worthless and make me able to change things. I've seen pills work on my sister and cousin but I just don't see how or if they'll help me...sigh...

This sucks too b/c I'm at work right now with just silence and my thoughts and all I wanna do is cry. Then next 6.5 hours are going to kill me tonight. I just keep thinking about that girl I use to be and wonder what happened to her. I had goals and was in school, went to the gym and even had a crappy job waitressing but I was happy. Maybe I just think I was happy bc im miserable now but I'm pretty sure I was happy. Now I'm in debt, stuck at home with a parttime good job that might end soon. It hurts to breath today, I'm panicking. I got a bf now that a year ago I thought I'd never see again who treats me like crap.

The sad thing is I actually feel bad for him bc I'm not the girl who I was b4 (or at least feel like that) and I think thats who he fell inlove with. Now, I'm this emotional needy girl who questions our relationship every second week. I'm driving him nuts. He doesn't even care when I cry anymore bc hes probably so use to hearing it and then he just says stuff that hurts me even more. I hate the girl I am now and wish I never blew the chance to be with him in the past bc then I think we would of had a good relationship and now...well its not so good. Things seem ok when I'm with him but when were apart it sucks. Hes distant and seems disinterested. I guess I waited so long for another chance to have a loving relationship, that I jumped into this one not realizing the loving part isnt there.

Hes different too tho. Hes meanier then he use to be. I feel like thats my fault to bc in the past he was too nice for his own good and scared me away and I told him to be more "mean". Now I want that old 'A' back and I think I killed him...haha this sucks. I know a part of me is jumping on the bad stuff and almost sabatoging this relationship... I bet if I didn't question it so much it would give him a chance to miss me and show me that he does care at the same time I dunno how much more time I can give this bc look how much time I have already. I'm messed up. Plus at the same time I'm "feuding" with friends right now. The only girl I feel close to has her own problems and doesn't need to deal with mine. I keep talking bout the same things and I'm sure shes sick of it by now. I feel so alone. I feel like I converted back to that 13 yr old girl who spent weekends with my mom and had no bc or friends. Now this probably isnt true but like I said I cant stop concertating on the negatives in my life right now.

I guess I pictured when I was 22 that my life was going to be so grand and full of potential... I'm turning 22 and I don't even want to have my b-day. Me and 'A' are fighting, my friends no one has even asked about my b-day and I can't think of anything I wanna go do that excites me. I just wanna hide from everyone cuz I got nothing to celebrate. I work and sit at home. Sometimes go for wings, sometimes see 'A'. Sometimes go to a friends house but there obbessed with the bar right now that there usually there and I'm not. Its to hard for me to go there and pretend to have fun. Plus I'll see couples and its sad and people who seem happy. Arg!

Hahahah actually tho, after writing this I feel a tad better. I guess I needed to get this off my chest. I should go back to work since I got here I've been fighting with 'A' and crying. I dunno whats going to happen I could see me writing in here next week being like oh everythings good. But this time I can see it being the other way too.. possibly over bc we've done this fight too many times. I dunno I wish he'd come around and say hes sorry and be that great guy I know he is... thats my b-day wish bc I do like him.....Sigh... I think this is enoguh whining for now.

W is for Wednesday

2006-02-22T21:50:00.000-08:00

I was so in the mood to write in here earlier... I could of written a novel. Now I feel lazy, tired and distracted to write alot. Not that I have much to update really.... I'm just kinda moody so I felt like bitching hahaha. Now I'm at home and kinda wanting to go to sleep. I am feeling better tho thats a good thing. I'm kinda sore today but other then that I'm almost feeling back to normal. Stupid 'A' is the reason I'm sore, he kept tickling me and such whatta jerk hehehhe. I'm just sick of sitting around tho.

Thats all I've been able to do bc of the surgery and now that I'm feeling better I feel like doing tons and now it seems like all my friends have been doing is sitting around. Makes me feel fat and lazy. Hahaha then I get all panicky thinking I'm out of shape and need to work out... BUT I was warned that when I start to feel better like this is when I can hurt myself bc I'm still not suppose to lift and pull stuff even tho it feels like I can. I know that bc look 'A' just tickled me and I feel sore hahaha. Arg I just wanna go to the gym or something to go work out and not feel so gross hahaha.

Anyways.... My birthday is coming up. Its on tuesday and I dunno I feel kinda bummed out about it. Not that I really make my b-day into a big deal but no one really seems like they want or remember my b-day. Hahahah I'm sure when I update next you'll find out that alot of my friends showed up and do care but like I said I'm moody so its probably why I feel this way.

I know a couple ppl will come for sure. 'A' will come too and I think a couple of his friends wanna come out but that scares me. His friends are really nice, my friends are really nice but I hate combining 2 different groups of people together bc then I feel responsible if they don't like each other. Hahaha I've always been like this, I dunno why. My friend from like way back in elementary only met my close friends last year. I was scared from them to meet. Like as if it puts attention on me that I don't like. Either that or maybe I act differently infront of different ppl.... no its the other one hahaha. I guess I feel like I don't judge and I know my friends are really great ppl don't get me wrong but I guess I'm kinda scared that both groups will judge each other or something. Hahaha I dunno if that makes sense.

I hope its fun and that it turns out okay. Hopefully I figure out something fun to do too but not much to do at the end of feb on a tuesday in winnipeg. Ok my eyes are like closing so I think I'll call it quits for now. Talk more later buh bye..

2006-02-10T11:21:00.000-08:00

I decided to fill out this survey thing since I've been tagged with it so heres it is:

Four jobs I've had:
-Lab assistant (still doing this one)
- server
-Hill monitor (at fun mtn)
- Day care worker

Four movies I can watch (and have watched) over and over:
-Cool runnings (I love this movie haha)
-Tommy boy
-Back to the futureII
- Garden State

Four places I've lived:
-Well only Winnipeg... *sigh* so depressing

Four TV shows I love:
-Rescue me
-Sex in the city
-Kenny Vs Spenny
-America's next top model

Four places I've vacationed:
-Vancouver
-Kenora
-phh like Falcon beach and tons of other beaches (I need to get out more I think)

Four of my favourite dishes:
-Shrimp stirfry
-Chicken fingers (its a dish to me)
-spinach salad dish
- toast (I eat like a 6 yr old trust me hahaha)

Four sites I visit daily:
- My banking site
- google
-Winnipegweb.com
-Ebaumworld (to play poker heheheh)

Four places I would rather be right now:
-New Zealand
-Vancouver
-In the summer camping with friends
-London

Four bloggers I'm tagging:
-Danika
- uhh i think I'll only tag her hahaha sory bout that.

Yup my appendix is gone

2006-02-09T19:22:00.000-08:00

I'm cold. I've been freezing all week tho. I can't seem to warm up, doesnt matter how many blankets I put on or sweaters hahaha. I can't wait for spring....
Anyways, what have I been up to?

Well almost 2 saturdays ago I got stomach pains while I was at work. I just thought it was from some bad coffee I bad earlier in the day but they kept continuing. By sunday morning they still hurt and I didn't get any sleep so I ended up going to the hospital at like 7 am. I didn't leave the hospital until tuesday morning. It turns out it was my appendix and it needed to be taken out. They even transported me (through Medivan which is just another ambulance company) to a different hopsital for the surgery. I had the giggles though when they did. I was wearing a hospital gown and it was 2 younger guys who took me strapped to a hopsital bed hehe. I just felt funny bc I didnt feel ill enough for this service but the hosptial didnt give me a choice. This was a weird experience for me, coming from a girl who hasnt even sprained or broken anything before I've never even really gone to the hospital for anything before. My appendix was inflammed but it wasnt to serious and was a pretty simple procedure for them. Still a simple procedure keeps me off of work for 2 weeks and I cannot really do much or lift anything for like 3 weeks. Its almost been 2 weeks but I'm still in pain and still swollen. Hhahaha I was totally paranoid before surgery worried that I wouldn't fall asleep but I did and awoke with a great drug running through my body and freeing me of pain... ahh morphine how I miss you. haha.

I do regret not getting enough sleep in the hopsital when I came back home it was hard to sleep. I got a little too much company in the hospital and didnt kick them out to sleep like I should of. I didn't want to. I hate attention but it was neat to see how many of my friends cared to see me in the hospital. I was surprized on a couple of them that showed up that I didnt think would.. it was nice. It was also nice to get a vacation away (I know its horrible to refer to a hospital stay as a vacation) from the phone. As badly as I wanted to grab on the phone (I call people on the phone the minute I'm bored) it was nice to not be able to. I couldn't call 'A' and tell him I was there so I got michelle to.

That was kinda nice bc lately we were fighting and as much as he needed his space I did too and I got it. It took a hospital stay to get a day away from calling him hahahha. (no I'm not a stalker haha) Besides we were fighting about how it seems like he doesnt care... blah blah and he proved he did. I was laying in my bed talking to my parents and I turned to the door in he came. It was a nice surprize. I mean I wasnt sure if he would show up but gald he did. I didnt know when I got to leave so he didnt even know if I was still there but took a 2 hour bus ride to see. He sat by my side and got me water and helped me. It was sweet.

I've been home for like a week and a half and am feeling better now. It still hard bc I was stuck here and pretty depressed bc most of my friends have been busy so I've been sitting at home alone arg. Erynn and my mom have been the best help. Erynns been really my only company and 'A' as well. 'A' been very sweet and nice lately, I dunno its kinda throwing me off a bit bc I'm not use to it but I hope that attitude is here to stay bc its nice. Not that hes this really mean guy or anything, hes just not being distant and showing that he cares. He came here yesterday and couldnt stop smiling and cuddling with me. The rest of my friends mean well but they've been busy so it kinda sucks they havent been around. But this weekend will be better I think and I get to go back to work next weekend. Yay hahaha. Well the T3's are kicking in so I'll update more later. bye

I'm bored

2006-01-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

Bah nothing much to write here but I'm, bored so I thought I would update this. Lately I feel cranky, I'm not sure why. Cabin fever I think. Its Jan. spring is no where near me and I feel trapped. I think I get like this usually this time of year. I wish I could escape this life right now and come back later in the year. Not that my life is all that bad, I'm just tired and sick of everything I do.

Everything feels the same - I feel like I got all this time to do stuff and no money and lack of people to do things with. I got a huge group of friends but yet I feel so alone sometimes. I thought that dating would take care of that, I thought before that I felt alone bc I didn't have a guy to share my life with but I "kinda" have a guy right now and I still feel alone. Either bc this relationship isn't what it should be or that theres a change in my life that I have to make and it doesn't matter whos in my life. I dunno.

Everything was going good with 'A'. Look I know I said it was over and it was over for a bit but after we broke it off we hung out and things were really good. Great actually. He seemed like he needed me and I wanted him and everything. I had a party here and he met my friends and it was good. Hahahaha I felt a bit scared off from the goodness actually but it all seemed good right up until this weekend. I dunno what happened - if its me or if its him. But theres some akewardness and distance. Maybe he feels smotthered and needs distance or something but its hard to give someone distance when you feel like something is wrong. Arg. I asked him if something was wrong and he said no so I dropped it.

I dunno I'm bitchy lately too so maybe it is me. I'm not going to pull off another stupid fight and seem needy bc I dont feel that way anymore. I dont wanna be needy and frankly don't need a guy who sees a girl twice a week and sees that as needy. I do deserve something better then that. I'm not going to forget that this time. So for now I'll give it time and see what happens but if this keeps up it will be over forsure this time. I'll end it. Hahaha see the minute I mentioned him in the last entry things went wrong baaad karma I tell ya hahaha. Anyways I better go cuz all I'm going to do on here is complain and I really don't want to be like that... well not today hahaha.

Happy 11 days late New years!!

2006-01-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, so let me start by saying Happy New Years!! Hahahaha, I realize I'm like 11 days late but meh what can u do right? I think I was avoiding writing in here a bit and I've been busy as well. I guess a part of me doesnt want to update on my last entry. Everytime I talk about stuff in here I seem to jinx it plus I'm getting annoying on here hahaha. So all I will say is that I've been busy lately with friends and work and such... things seem ok right now *knocks on wood*

New stuff.... oh I bought a bed. My old one was pretty raddy so I decided to get one. Its only a double but its ok for me right now. I had to get a double bc I couldn't afford a queen but I'm 5'3 so its all good for me hahaha. Plus if anyone sleeps over it'll be an excuse to cuddle hahaha. Its a pillow top too comfy comfy I tell ya. Actually, its hard to get use to I'm use to sleeping with the springs in my back and this one seems so firm. My uncle came out for a couple weeks, he leaves tomorrow. Hes from BC, I'm not that close to him but its still nice ot see him and see hows hes doing. Works going good but my term is up in March and I'm pretty nervous and excited to get to March to see what happens. I pray that I still have a job, I know they love me there and don't wanna loose me...I just hope I get to stay in my department u know.

New Years Resolutions: I can put tons of stuff in here and be like everyone else and make resolutions that won't stick, but I'm going to be realistic..... or hope these are realistic goals. I wanna move out and work fulltime. Sounds super simple to most people but for me its a tad more difficult..... I won't bore you the details of why but all I will say is I'm working hard towards this. Also, (Iknow this is going to sound selfish but I don't mean it to be) I wanna make this year about me. Hahaha what I mean is that last year I did so much stuff for everyone else and forgot bout me. Forgot how to make myself happy and this year I don't want to do that. Hahaha yes I'll still help people but this time won't forget about me along the way. Figure out the things that make me happy and do them more. Anyways thats my goals for this year. Hopefully this year is good, I need one good year dammit hahaha. Well I'm tired I'll write something better next time don't worry... good luck with this year everyone lets make it good.. chow-bella!

Here I go again....

2005-12-11T09:29:00.000-08:00

Tho' I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time (Whitesnake - Here I go again)

Well its over. Me and 'A' broke it off. I didn't want to, I wanted to give him and me more time and have a good month of December because this month was going ok for us. I wanted to talk about us in Jan. after his parents break up and he moves because he'll need someone then for him and that'll make or break us u know.... but it ended on thursday. I was suppose to see him after work and he called my cell like 20 mins b4 I got off leaving a message saying that he was going to Smittys and hopes I want to go there to meet him. It made me angry because we haven't hang out alone in a long time and I just wanted to go to his house. So when I called him back he said thats ok and he would leave soon and meet me at his house. I waited in my car for him and got there bout 12:20. At 12:40 he still wasnt there, I phone him he said he was just finishing his beer and would be there soon. I was in my car just sitting there waiting for him!! Like what an ass!

Everyone usually walks into his house when hes home, thats just the kind of house he has where your comfortable there to do that. So around 1:00 I try the door and it was open. I waited inside for him..... he finally comes home at like close to 1:30 which he knows I was done at 12 and he knows he made me wait over an hour for him. Kay, I can be a patient person but no one in there right mind would make their "gf" wait that long for them when he didn't even know if I could get into his house. All I wanted was a nice night with him. He fucked that up. We didn't break up due to him making me wait. That just opened up everything that night.

When he got home I couldn't even talk to him I was so upset and angry. I asked him why he did that and made me wait.. he had no answers. I asked him why for such a sweet guy he was purposely trying to piss me off and treat me not as good as he can... he had no answers. I told him he knew he was doing it and like usual he had no answers. Thats when I told him I couldnt do this anymore, it wasn't fair. He had to give me answers and they had to be now. Almost 3 months I've been waiting for him to come around. Don't get me wrong there was a lot of good in that relationship. I know it sounds like there wasn't because in here u hear mostly bad things. Otherwise I wouldn't of been there for so long. So we talked and cried and he finally started telling me things.

When I asked him about us he out of no where he freaked out and yelled,"your so fucking awesome and I can't give you the things your deserve!" He basically told me that he thinks he isn't good enough for me. That he can't give me his whole heart right now because he's too scared too. He doesnt want to get hurt and still believes that I'll leave... Line? I don't think it was. He was bawlling his eyes out when he said that. I can't change his mind. If he believes that, hes gotta change himself and see that he is. At the same time me ending it is showing him that I am leaving and making his fears come true. Shitty situation all around I tell ya.

He said sometimes he wants to be single but other times he can get use to me being there. So basically, I told him thats his answer. After 3 months if hes still saying I don't know to us being "bf/gf" then it probably won't change. He said he can't right now. He wants me there and likes me but he and I know hes not being fair to me and it won't change right now. Speically if he feels not good enough and for whatever reason can't fully love me right now it needs to end. So it did. There isnt another girl I do believe that. I just believe that he needs to work on himself right now because u can't love someone who doesn't love themselves first.

It sucks.... we both like each other but i guess can't be together right now... I dunno maybe he saw the fear in my eyes and didn't believe me when I said I liked him... I did still have some doubts but I willing to try and I guess hes not right now. So that was it - we said goodbye and I was on my way..... alone.

I did talk to him last night. We've known each other for like 3 years and I still want to try to be friends. He does too. He said he doesn't want me out of his life and does miss me. That did and didn't help u know. I'm sure I'll see him again. Every break up (well almost) has its slip ups where they see each other.. hang out kind of thing. But it won't be the same. Unless he changes its over and will stay over. I still kinda feel in denial. Where I'm fine and feel like nothings changed. But when I think about it I realize that and get panicky and sad.... I miss him and this is hard. Its going to be hard for a long time. I know it was only 3 months but because of our history its alot more then that. It was like I got a second chance and it was taken away from me. *sigh*

Hahaha don't worry this is the last entry about 'A'. No more bitching. It just that the holidays feel crappy and New years will suck and I'm trying to be ok. I will be ok.... I'm just alone again....... Here I go Again....

30 more days

2005-12-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

Well its finally December. 30 more days and this year is over. Thats a crazy thought, this year went by really fast. I dunno if anyone else feels that way but I do. November was kinda shitty month for me and I have a feeling that this year isn't going to end very good either...I hope I'm wrong...

Nothing really new to report.... Uhm well I got a call from the big boss of all the Laboratories in my building on Monday. I'm on a term position and since I'm on a term I can't apply for a term till mine is done (thats there rules) but she personally phoned me to tell me that these 2 positions that opened up in a different lab I can apply for them. They run till the same date as mine and she says that they'll 99% be extended anyways. Its for more hours and I won't have to work midnights anymore and the lastest I work is like I think 9pm. Crazy! I'm not quite sure what to do tho- this means I'll work in a lab that I don't really want to and have to leave my lab. I love the people I work with and don't mind my job but really that isn't my job I'm replacing someone and can easily replaced myself b/c I'm on a term. They love me tho and my boss will be pissed when she finds out that I applied or if I even get it. There both term jobs and there isn't really any stability to either job but that one is more hours and I know its getting extended so that makes it all the more appealing. ARG!!

Hahaha I mean honestly as long as I'm in the building and a perm. job comes up I can still apply for it and end up in my original dept. Still, I'm not sure what to do I just wish that this was a perm position. But everything I work for (and I'm not one of those feel sorry for me people- just stating) never comes easy. I never have the easy get hired off the first interview job, the boyfriend who I get to see everyday, the little cute surprizes that people do to show u they care. I work hard for everything and I know that makes me a strong person in the end but sometimes I feel like im "spent" like I have nothing left to give bc I get nothing in return. Feels like I'm working my ass off for everyone to make there day special and at work to show that I'm worth keeping but no one is doing it back to me in return. I suppose I'm fustrated. U can only be a giver so long in life till you need something in return (and I dont mean like gifts or anything- just like that extra something that makes you feel worth wild).

Hahaha I guess that kinda tells you how me and 'A' are doing. Same as always good times then we'll have a shitty time. He puts my hopes up then turns around and disappoints me so. He'll cry along side of me when I tell him that I want him to be my b/f and stare at me with his love filled eyes but gives no answer. I hate him.... the only answer I get is that hes scared. He finally admits me wants me in his future but I gotta pratically beat it out of him..... I believe him tho (and no I'm not a doormat to him). I believe he isnt cheating or likes some other girl. I'm the girl he was inlove with for like 2 years. So I know this does scare him me saying that I do want to try now... it would scare me too.. but like I said I'm spent and don't know how much more I can give....I'm like most people and just want to feel loved and be inlove. Hopefully the New Year is better and happier then the ending of this year.... whether I start it off alone again or with him...

Friendly Manitoba

2005-11-16T18:13:00.000-08:00

First off, me and 'A' got into a fight after I wrote the last entry. Good came out of it tho - it was the first time I felt like I had control over the situation as well and not just him holding the cards and me falling apart all the time. He told me somethings that made me feel like he does care and that this can go somewhere. He back to showing me love and not sounding annoyed talking to me.... BUT me saying that I hope I didn't jinx this b/c I seem to always do that... so heres hoping for the best.

Second off, I was having "female problems" and finally went to see the doctor about it. I don't wanna go into detail about what or anything. Its not that bad or at least I hope it doesnt turn out bad but I was scared to go. I guess to find out if there was something seriously wrong. I never felt that nervous to go before. To hear a doctor say that there might be a serious problem or it could be a simple thing is not a good feeling. But he gave me meds for the simple problem and said to see if that works and so far so good so thats a good thing. Sorry I'm not saying what it is but I don't feel comfortable enough to say but needed to talk bout it. If that makes sense?

And lastly.....I hate snow. I know pretty much everyone in Manitoba says that after the first real snow fall. It sucks, its cold and you pretty much get stuck either at home or the last place you decide to chance it to before the car gets parked or stuck. Our snow removal system in Winnipeg isn't the greatest. I'm not trying to rag on the people who do it either because I know they work long hours andtry their best in very trying environment, my dad does this on the side of his regular job. But the city should invest more into this so we could hire more people or get more trucks or whatever. Anyways tho, out of all this crummy stuff that comes with snow and blizzards I saw a good thing come out of this....the people.

While I waited for my step-dad in the car (which we had to keep running but thats a different story hehe) outside a home depot I saw people helping people. I know that sounds corny but it was a nice thing to see. This guy around the age of 20ish was stuck in the snow and 2 guys came to help him. They didn't know him and they came to help him with smiles and shovels. Everyone is depressed with the weather but any place we went to everyone was friendly and making jokes about it. Everywhere you looked there was strangers pushing cars out or offering to snowblow the peoples walks who didnt owe a snowblower. Even our neighbor borrowed us an extra shovel to use. Yes, our weather sucks out here but we indeed stand by our Friendly Manitoba names.

November Rain.....

2005-11-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

Its funny really this morning all I wanted to do was write in here and talk bout the horrible night I had last night. How I cried alot and I'm not sure really what to do with 'A' and if its over... but now, I feel I got nothing left to say...I'm numb..wordless... November seems to have just started and its going bad.
I couldn't take the hsc job -doesn't work, can't move out-no money and me and 'A'..well who knows things seem to get worse then better.

I am sleeplessly single. I may always be. Relationships seem to not give me a chance and I wish they would. I do try to give them a chance but something always fails. I'm not crazy, I don't call all the time or demand alot of attention. I just got a case of bad luck that I'm trying to change. I'm trying to believe I'll find someone who will love me and I will love back. Trying to believe that love doesn't just come once and I gave away the only love I had...but the best way to explain how I feel is that I got November Rain.....

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my own
Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

(November Rain by guns and roses for those who don't know)

Broken beautifully

2005-10-25T02:01:00.000-07:00

It's 4:02am and I'm pretty tired. This is my third midnight shift in a row and I got 1 more left till I get a day off. The shitty part is that I'm not feeling good either. My thoart hurts and I got hot flashes and bah a headache. Hahahaha it wouldnt be right if I didn't start this day off with a complaint hehehehe.

I got a phone call back from the interview that I had bout 2 weeks ago.. I don't remember if I mentioned it in here or not. Its for a job at hsc that sounds pretty neat. The suckie part is it is part-time (2 days a week) but the thing is theres only 1 other lady doing this job (its a one person kinda job) and she retired and came back to work, so obviously she wont be staying to long in this position. So mabye it'll become my fulltime job eventually...hopefully...if I get it haha. They called me for a "second interview/orientation" (is what he called it) so were going to set up a time for thursday and hopefully it works out. It shouldn't even interfear too much with my job right now too cuz its only 2 days during the week and lately I work alot of weekends. Even when I work during the week for my job right now its never more then 3 days during the week so I should be able to work it out. With both jobs I could totally afford to move out too!! But the thing is my job isnt premanent (I only have it till the end of March so far) so moving out would be taking a risk cuz if I only have that hsc job and its still part time I wouldnt be able to afford it. It might be worth the risk tho and get a taste of being on my own... but thats all "counting my chickens before they hatch" (I love that saying hehe) So I'm not actually planning anything right now... there all just lovely thoughts.

As for me and 'A' right now.. bah its the same. Seems ok when we see each other- Friday we had an awesome night together. He seemed excited to see me and called me too and I was just as excited to see him too. But then I havent seen him since then and when he talks on the phone he seems disinterested and such. Never calls, I hate that. I know were not dating or whatever and he doesnt owe me a phone call but damn, one would be nice forsure. I mean I know hes interested, whether its just an attraction to me or if he wants to date is a different story but I do know theres interest there. The thing is knowing and feeling are 2 different things and I kinda just want to feel thats hes into me and I dont really. I guess I just want to feel loved is all.

Hahaha I know corny sounding. But all my life I'm always taking care of people and listening to them and giving advice. I do little things to make a person feel better and to show I care and I guess I just want that too. Just seems sometimes like no one is interested in my stories or gives me a chance to talk. No one really does cute things for me like jsut little things to show they care. I guess when it comes down to it I just want someone to take care of me too. Bah such a whiner, I know. I mean don't get me wrong I got good friends and family and I know I'm loved but like I said I just I just want to feel loved and be shown love. I guess to feel loved is a demand that everyone wants in life. Anyways tho with 'A' I'm sick of thinking and talking bout it - dont worry I'm done talking bout it for now till something good or bad happens heheh.

I should get off of here now tho and get back to work - I cant wait for my shift to be over!!! only 3.5 hours left!! hahaha chow-bella!

I hope Karma will be good

2005-10-18T19:55:00.000-07:00

So new things...... my term got extended. Imagine my excitement when that happened haha. My boss called me into her office and told me that my term will be extended till the end of March. So happy bout that!! Buys me some time anyways, plus one girl is pregnant and is due I think in May so she'll probably be gone like April or something and one girl is quitting to go to school in August so at least there is other positions coming up that I know of. So I'm not completely stuck like I thought I was but i still need to find a fulltime job or something.

I think the only other thing right now that is new is the guy situation... no boyfriend or anything...well I thought that I did have one but I guess not...

Ok lets give a bit of info so you understand that. The entry before I was talking about 2 guys and I looked at it and realized the stars are kinda confusing so Im going to use"A" for the **** guy. Anyways, I was confused cuz of my guy friend was being nice and I dunno what changed but I kept spending time with "A" and now I like him. Want to be with him and it sucks. I hate to say it but we've been doing stuff and spending time together and one night I slept there and it was great. Being with him always is. He holds me sooo tight and kisses me and seems so inlove.

Then when I left that day he was suppose to call and never did..... man I got scared and upset and tried to call him and I finally got a call a day and a half later from him. It was kinda bad tho cuz he finally called when my coz was over so I kicked her out of my room to talk to him. I felt super bad but I couldnt talk about all this stuff infront of her when I knew I was going to start bawling my eyes out and talk to him about stuff that she doesnt even know what was going on. It was such a bad day (sorry girl didnt mean to upset u but now u know). He said sorry and didnt realize that the phone call was that important.. blah blah blah. Hahaha u know how it is. Very stupid.

It opened a door to us talking about being together. I want to be with him. I dont know where this certain answer came from but I feel certain that I want to be with him. I think this scares him because I was soo certain before about not being with him that I scared him. It sucks b/c I think he thinks that if he says yes I will leave him hurt. I dont want to, I want to try. So I'm giving him time to think right now. Hahahaha I know what everyone is saying, time to think isnt a good thing but maybe it will be. Nothing much more that I can do. I know hes sooo scared to get hurt he told me that and I dont think theres another girl in the picture so I'm not worried bout that. A couple of my friends are worried that I want him now bc he doesnt want me... I dont think thats what it is and hope not. I just really wanna give it a chance this time maybe it will be good.

Arg a part of me thinks this is revenge of all the time of saying I didnt want to be with him, now Im going crazy thinking about him and nothing will probably happen... Hahahaha I shouldnt of said anything and left it the way it was. hahaha no no this was good to bring up. So I'll give him his time to think about it and hopefully this story either has a happy begining or at least strong wiser new me. Anyways bed time gotta sleep a bit bc I gotta work in the morning..... chow-bella!

WHAT TO DO???

2005-10-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

I thought things were going good and I thought I was feeling good with him. I thought maybe b/c I'm not getting annoyed talking to him and wanna call him things were different. I thought because being held by him felt so good that maybe this time was different. This time maybe just maybe I want him and things will be ok... just maybe.. I'm so confused...

*** is my problem, I dont think its **** (I do apologize for the stars but I dont wanna use names- **** is that guy that I was talking bout the previous post). To start more at a beginning, Me and *** havent really seen each other too much b/c my friends have been kinda doing there own thing lately. This is when me and **** started talking and when things felt great. Out of sight out of mind I suppose. I still talked to *** on the computer but after the way hes been in the summer I was still kinda annoyed with him and didnt like him no more. I felt truly over him and it was great. He was interested in some other chick and I started talking to **** again. We were both advancing in our lives and it seemed great.... I told him a little bit bout **** but nothing really b/c im a private person and wasnt sure even what going on.... I'm so confused!!

I saw *** a couple times it was ok. He was being pretty nice to me and I dunno I didnt think anything of it, to preoccupied with **** I suppose. Then we went out shopping on tuesday (me *** and erynn) and thats when I noticed. The overly nice to me, the following me around, even going to get coffee with me instead of sitting and eating in the foodcourt. He usually puts his arm around me when he drinks and I always ignore it but he did it shopping.. sober haha. I know that sounds bad but its kinda weird. He even came out again when me and erynn had a lunch date, called me in the morning to try to wake me up (I was already awake). Once again that day (thurs) followed me around and stuff. Erynn noticed it. I said something to her b/c I'm thinking that I'm going crazy that maybe I'm just putting this out there b/c I'm scared to commit to ****. She said shes noticed that hes being kinda weird to me. Have I made him jealous?

I havent mentioned guys to him b4. I always seem like the single girl b/c I've always dated outside my group so not all of them have seen me with a b/f before. Has me talking about it and talking on the phone to this other guy made *** see that maybe I wont be around forever for him to flirt and play with? I know we havent really seen each other much but even saying that he hasnt been this way to me in a while.. or this nice.. why now?? There is nothing going on tonight with my friends and I was talking to him earlier and decided to just go home cuz we couldnt figure anything out. I told him to call me if they (him and another one of my friends) found something to do. An hour later he phoned, but for no reason. there not doing anything and he just said how were going to party tomorrow not to worry. Why??

Argg I'm so fustrated. Hes totally playing with my head right now. I'm so vunlable right now with **** this doesnt help. Hes making me think about him.... I hate it.. its unfair to me and unfair to ****. I know, Im probably reading to much into this and im sure this is one of those things that will never happen. We will never be anything more then this game we play. I really feel like this. I dont wanna blow any chances with **** either. Throw it all away just cuz some guy I had a crush on is acting interested. I gotta move on.. Im just mad that hes doing this right now... and scared... I know what u guys are saying.. you gotta talk to him about it. Ask why he acts this way and believe me I want to but its not that easy. Hes a really good friend and we hang out with the same people and this would be akeward and weird and could screw up big time friendships. But I need to do something soon cuz **** will only be there so long till he gets impatient and this is really destroying me inside. I started thinking about him when I'm with ****. I feel evil and aweful having these confused feelings around ****. I even started crying around **** the other night b/c I felt so guilty bout being confused and not wanting to hurt him. I told **** that I'm confused with things right now and I dont know where this "thing/relationship" is going and obviously need to grow up and NEED to move on from other things right now. He says thats ok and whatever we are is what we are. whatever shall be shall be. Hahaha hes great and that felt great to get off my chest too.

Talking to **** made me feel a little better that hes not putting pressure on me to commit and says that its ok to be lost and confused b/c hes not sure where hes at right now either (I dont mean that hes dating someone else cuz hes totally not like that- hes just trying to figure out stuff in his life too). Maybe next time I wont start to cry and feel so bad but I need to get over *** so that maybe I can move on with ****. Specially that things have been stepped up a bit... I'm not evil and not a whore. I'm not the kinda of girl who just sleeps with guys and doesnt care. I'm not the one night stand kinda a girl but things happened with **** and thats why I felt so bad about even remotely thinking about another guy when I should be head over heels with ****. Now Im just confused and can't stand feeling like my chest is going to collapse thinking about it. I dont wanna feel like this evil person that I feel like. Im not cheating on ****, I mean how can u cheat on someone who your not with? but even then like I said me and *** havent done anything before and I dont think it'll ever happen.

I just feel so guilty bout even having someone else in my thoughts at a time like this. At least the cards are on the table with **** and if theres one thing I can do is be honest with **** and maybe slowly I can get over *** and me and **** will have a chance. I have to get over *** ... I just need to learn how once and for all and quick cuz my heart and head cant take much more confusion. I dont wanna feel and seem like the evil aweful person b/c I'm not and I care bout feelings. I shoule be happy right now and want to get there, I just need help how and what to do. I need to get rid of *** in the relationshipe sense and put **** back in...cuz if that doesnt happen soon the I gotta do to honorable thing and say goodbye to ****. But that would be the last good bye I know it so this isnt a light decision.

I need help.. arg.. and sigh... just take things day by day and be honest I suppose cuz in the end the truth will surface right? Honesty is the best and thats all I ll try to be. Sorry its so long and if it stopped making sense its bc I'm really tired... until then chow-bella

2 Be Continued....

2005-10-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

I changed my template again. I didn't like the other one it was annoying. This one is a better now I'm happy hehehe. Anyways, yes what has going on with me lately? I don't even know...

U ever get that urge to be around someone and don't know why? You want to hold them and you just that butterflies feeling just thinking about it. You constantly want to call them and don't get annoyed talking to them and actually keep plans and get excited for them.... I don't really know where these feelings came from but this is the way I feel. I told for like 2 years how I just want to be friends and didn't feel any attraction. We stopped talking and started talking again a year later out of no where. I felt angry at first when I saw him and actually felt nothing not even a friendship and then we kept hanging out and now.. I all of a sudden want him. Need him. Wanna be with him. Why? I don't know. I don't know where these feelings came from. Its weird. I'm a little scared tho that maybe I feel this way b/c I'm alone. But I've been alone for a long time and still never felt that way b4 with him.

I think I have a commiment problem. I get scared of the thought of being with one person. hahaha no I'm not a whore but forever is just a long time. How can you promise that when you dont know how forever will be?

Anyways tho I've been taking it slow with him and taking it day by day and so far so good. We'll just see how it goes. For now I haven't really told anyone cuz I dont wanna jinx it and talk about something I'm unsure about but so far so good and I guess all I can say is wish me luck.

Thrusss day

2005-09-30T00:39:00.000-07:00

I'm playing with a new blog template soo please be patient with me. Hehehehe I'm not as good with this stuff as I seem. I was trying to add a comment area and I got one but now when u click on it you can add one but you have to click on the back button to get back to my blog postings. If anyone even reads this anymore let me know who to fix it, thanks.

I know my postings have been pretty boring lately. There are a couple things going on right now but nothing major. **** have been spending time together and I dunno I'm totally confused. I know I said I didnt want him but I think its fair to say that I dunno what I want. But that as much detail as I'll put into that cuz I dont want to say more on something I'm unsure of. Today I might feel a certain way and tomorrow may be different and I dont wanna regret something I'll say on that.

I've been thinking of what I want to do too with work. I wanna work fulltime but I'm starting to think that maybe if I dont get a fulltime job, I might go back to school to get a better fulltime job, even if it starts at the same wage I'm making now at least I'd be working fulltime. Hehehe that all I really want so I can get my own apartment. But its late and I sound crazy on here so I'm gonig to bed. Night all!

Hippity

2005-09-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

Arg I'm tired. Hahahaha don't you love how I always start my entrees with a complaint? Im not as big as a complainer as I sound on here. My joking nature makes up for my complaining I swear... hehe.

Nothing really new to say. I work during the week this week then Im back to weekends. Fun stuff!! Im getting kinda sick of working midnights and all over shifts. I like variety when I work but this is a little too much. Since my hours are all over the place it screws up my sleeping and eating patterns and I get tired and its hard to sleep sometimes. Its like the minute you get use to working days im working nights and vice versa. Bah realistically (did I spell that right?) I got till like Dec. 10 then my term is done so I shouldnt complain. I'm worried b/c they didnt extend my term yet but most the people at work tell me not to worry that they like me and they wont let them get rid of me. Thats really nice to hear but I guess no one can guess the future and we'll see what happens. If my term ends tho I may be able to come back in a couple months after that b/c a girl is now pregnant and thats when she'll be leaving.

But dont worry, Im not really sitting around waiting for things to happen.. I've been applying for jobs in the meanwhile, there isnt really any jobs in my field out there so its hard. If anyone knows about any laboratory jobs out there (from anywhere) let me know!! hehehehe. Bah thats my rant for the day im done no worries. I'll write something more interesting some other time. Chow-bella!

Something better does exist

2005-09-05T01:35:00.000-07:00

It's 3:07am Monday, I'm at work right now doing my last midnight shift. I go through bouts or tiredness, where I'm really tired then I got energy. Wicked stuff hey hahaha. No, I havent gotten boring but at 3am how creative can u be with your writing? The most we can all hope for is no spellling mistakes hehe.

Well where did I last leave off in the saga of me - girl with no name....well it doesnt really matter cuz nothing much has happened lately. I gotten a long awaited message on msn from an old missed "friend". This is a guy that I have talked about on here a little.. I think.. Anyways we had a thing then it was over and then we were friends and he didnt want to be just friends...blah blah blah... long story short we stopped talking. A part of me lately has been missing him, wondering if I maybe do like him more and made a mistake. A part of me wanted to hear his voice, and give me a huge hug and be held... a part of me wondered if I felt this way cuz I'm lonely. He messaged me out of the blue one day. Just like that. Giving me his new number and we got together a couple days later. I felt shooken up by this message and the phone call afterwards. Confused and sad and lonely. I really wanted to see him and see if the feelings really were there.

I saw him.... they were not there. No feelings like that. I just felt mad when I saw him actually. Like all I wanted to do was gloat bout my life (hahaha even tho theres nothing to gloat about) and leave. I felt mad at the fact that he threw away our friendship cuz I wouldnt... well no need for that many details.. but mad that he thinks after a whole year of not talking that he assumes im single and would be "that girl" and give him want he wants? Am I not really good enough to find another guy? Is this what he thinks? I would like to think that I could get another/different guy. Whats so wrong with me that I cant find a guy in a year. He didnt even ask me if I'm single - I think thats where I'm getting angry. I mean hey maybe he doesnt want to know... maybe thats why he never asked, scared to loose me for good. I asked him why he wanted to talk again. I did say this is kinda weird after a year of not talking u talking to me after all this. But all he could say is that "That was a long time ago I just wanted to say hey." So yea blah!!

After I left that night I felt sure of what I wanted from him - nothing. But yet we had plans to get together (I ditched then he ditched). And tonight I feel myself wanting to see him - maybe not as a "date" but as a "friend". Really I am fucked up sometimes.... a hypocrite yes and no. We all go back sometimes on something we dont want to but do anyways cuz -ca la vie-. Hopefully me rant for the night makes sense. I apologize if it doesnt.

Hey really (as I said this plenty before hahaha) WHAT I NEED IS A COMPLETELY NEW GUY IN MY LIFE TO MAKE ME MOVE ON FROM THESE "HIGH SCHOOL BULLSHIT GUYS" Any takers? hahaha. I'm not really stuck on these guys. The thing about me is that im honest and if I wasnt so lonely for someone to be there, these guys wouldnt be on my mind at all. I really think that. The good thing about these (and I say these cuz well im always mentioning other stupid crushes like a 12 yr old) is nothing is really going on with any of them so a new guy wouldnt have to worry bout that. I just need someone to make me see that .. something better does exist....
Really all I need is some guy who likes coffee and wouldnt mind taking a girl for a cup....

M is for Mustard

2005-08-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

So last week rocked!! Foofighters were here on Wednesday the 10 of August. First the Constantines opened for them. They were okay, the area was still pretty empty so I felt kinda bad for them that people didnt watch them. Then Sloan played next. I didn't realize that I actually knew alot fo their songs but I did and they were really good! Of course the foofighters rocked! They opened with In your honor off of there new album (download it, its a good song) and played hit after hit from the old to the new album. He (Dave G.) seemed like a real nice guy on stage and you can tell there a bunch pf partiers hahaha. I bet they went and partied somewhere in the city afterwards, too bad I couldnt meet them tho that would be awesome hhahahah. There was this guy (looked like about 14 yrs old or something) that went with his mom. It was awesome cuz his mom was rocking out to them more then the kid. Because they have been around for 10 years there was a mixed age group to this concert which was neat. Its fun to go to a concert and see people of all ages enjoy the same music.

On Friday I went to Doubles and saw my friends band play. Its not my kind of music (Death metal kinda music) but they were really good. It was weird but fun b/c lots of people
I haven't seen in a long time were there. I've been working a lot of midnight shits too so it was nice to see all of my friends and hang out with them.

On Saturday about 7 of us went camping. At first I was in a bad mood b/c me and my friend were kinda fighting - we were both being bitches hahaha I dunno I think we were tired. But once we got out there everything was fine and alot of fun. I hang out with a big group of ppl so its kinda nice once in a while to just hang out with some of them. Played some games, sang some tunes, flirted a little with *** haha it was fun. We ended up running out of firewood at about 2 am and if you are from Wpg you know it was pretty cool out on Saturday night. So 2 of my guy friends started raiding the bushes for branches. Don't worry I swear they only burned dead branches which made it even more funnier b/c pictured two 20something year olds looking for dead branches at night in the bush. I ended up going to bed for like 2 hours and being woken up by **** yelling my name by my tent. So I stayed up after that. I had fun and feel like I connected a bit better with ppl I didnt really know. *** and I cuddled for a bit under his sleeping bag when I got woken up b/c it was cold and b/c I wanted to hahahah but then he went to bed. So me and 2 others were left awake so we caused a little bit of mayhem. We made chalk outlines of each others bodies out of mustard. hahahahahha. I know it sounds kinda stupid but seriously it was pretty damn funny if you were there. Then they tipped over my friends tiny tent but he got them back. **** passed out in it and they put a picnic table over the tent that was collapsed. I know we sound inmmature but were still young and ah hell it was fun. These well be the days and memories I'll remember when I'm old and boring hahaha.

Nah but its back to work tomorrow and back to reality. Still fun weekend and I got one more off then summer will be over before I see another weekend. So I gotta make the best of my weekends. Well Gotta go chow-bella.

1 2 3 Bears

2005-07-31T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm tired today. I just got back from camping with my sister her baby and my parents. It was okay. Me and my sis dont get along all the time tho so even tho we went for only 1 night it was lonnng enough. What broke up the night was we had a HUGE storm out there and bears around our site. Yes bears! Hahahaha I've never seen them camping before. It was freaky bc they were huge and there was 3 of them. It was pitch black and since they were black bears it was hard to see them. They would pop up out of no where and try to hit the garbages (for some reason this place doesnt have there garbages locked up; they should tho!). At one point, one of them was walking towards me and my mom but it got scared off tho. We didnt see one of them again till early morning (4:30ish) where it found someones food and dragged it to the campsite right beside us. It was like 3 feet infront of the tent and thats when we found out they were living or staying around ours bc he would go into the trees beside our site and bring food there. When I went to see if the bear was still near our trees he popped out 10 feet infront of me! Luckily, they seemed scared and just wanted food. He hid into the bush and I didnt see him again. Tried to get pics but they didnt really turn out but they set up a bear trap so hopefully they catch them.

That was pretty much my weekend so far. Im really tired so I dont think I'm doing much tonight. I gotta work midnight shifts next week so my weekends off are over. Last weekend I went camping too at Falcon. That was actually fun! I was a little worried about it not being fun bc lots of people backed out last minute and I ended up going with 2 couples. And me being the only the lonely girl lately got depressed at the thought of going with 2 couples. But it wasnt bad at all. Since it was only 5 of us there, we got along really good and laughed and talked and had fun. Another couple joined us for the day on sat and we rented a boat to go tubing. That was fun but I went out to the tube and panicked bc I cant swim that good and HATE when I cant touch the bottom. I couldnt get in and then finally did and fell out right away. By that time I was too tired and panicky I had to get my friend to pull me back into the boat. hahahaha. I've been tubing b4 and would go again just this time get into the tube in the boat and swim out to it bc thats when I started to panick and it went wrong. Anyways that was a good weekend.

Thats pretty much caught up to date really. Lots of little stuff I could say but too tired to go into detail. The only weird thing was I got a message from an old enemy (we use to be friends in high school then we lost our friendship due to alot of different reasons) to call him. he wanted to go for coffee and we havent talked in like over 3 years so it was weird. I wasnt going to but apart of me missed the old friendship and a part of me was curious to what he wanted. He wanted to put the past behind us I guess. Weird I know, but he's in the army and maybe hes scared and wanted to make ammends- so I let him. I let it go along time ago and let him and his friendship be gone along time ago too. I let him say sorry and make ammends for his own sake. It was weird but interesting to see him. We won't be friends again (hes kind of a weird scary guy haha) and thats fine was still ok to say hi and bye for a last time. But I dont want to give that story anymore attention then that bc its not really worth the attention if that makes sense.

Booyah I'm tired hhahahhaha. So guess you guys are all caught up. Im going to go nappy tho. Chow.

No title

2005-07-06T17:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't do much on the long weekend. The most I did was go out on Canada day to Osborne. That was pretty fun. I went to Gimli monday till like today. It was ok. The only thing is one of my friends seemed pretty well bitchy half the time. Not sure if something was bugging her or she was just bitchy... ahh well tho since I wasnt just out there with her it was fun. I went swimming in the E.Coli water hahaha. Because of flooding one of our lakes has E.coli advisory in it. Im usually a germ freak but I dunno there was waves and it looked like fun. I just made sure not to go right under and shower afterwards. So far I feel fine.

The only thing thats bugging me right now is that Im suppose to be gone out with friends at some lounge they usually go to on Wednesday. I havent left yet. I really didnt want to drive I drive everywhere lately (including Gimli) and my friend was suppose to drive me and well she hopped in another car b/c she doesnt want to drink and drive. Thats good but she didnt even tell me she wasnt driving and the funny (but not even funny) thing is that the car she hopped into is another girls car that always drinks alot and drives. So stupid. So now if I wanna go I gotta drive myself and I dont really got the ambition to go yet..if I do.

Its funny bc I have alot of friends and lately I feel so lonely. I just wanna go do stuff with other people and it seems like there isnt anyone else. I got like this last year too when I went to Gimli. I missed **** and at that time last year at least we were still talking. I come online to see if maybe he'll sign in b/c I dont have the guts to call him. Its been such a long time since I called him and I dont want to hurt him. Im pathetic. I keep sitting here trying to tell myself to because maybe this time it'll be different. Maybe this time I'll feel for him and want him. But maybe last time was the last time and its really over. Our friendship and everything. Theres always been periods where we dont talk but this has been the longest time and I think im getting lonely and scared bc he really isnt there anymore and its taking me this long to realize that. Now that my crushes are gone and I look back and see hes not there im sad as hell. Or maybe Im just lonely. I have a huge group of friends going out tonight but yet I feel like theres no one hear. Arg. I get like this after Gimli every year bc I sit there with girls who always talk about there b/fs and I have no one. Then people are going camping and to the beach and I wish I had someone to bring. It'll pass... I know maybe tomorrow will be better. .... But for now Im just lonely. Try to cheer up right? I will try just wish sometimes I had someone. I have good days and bad this one is a bad day I guess. Gotta go chow-bella.

Posted today written yesterday

2005-06-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

(posted monday 27 june o5 but was written sunday 26 june o5 @ work around
2000)

I havent really written in a while sorry bout that. Same old same old really - dont feel like going into detail of what I've been up to tho. Dont worry tho its nothing really interesting anyways haha. I had this dream the other day about a spider. The thing was huge - seriously gross. I hate spiders too. It was little at first then grew and I kept trying to kill it and it wouldnt die. The dream seemed sinificant at the time so I thought I'd look it up and this is what I found..

Spiders

To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck.

To see a spider spinning a web in your dream, signifies that you will be rewarded for your hard work. You will soon find yourself promoted in your job or recognized for your achievement in a difficult task. Spiders are a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship. It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You may feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you.

To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will be soon be realized.

To dream that you are bitten by a spider, represents a conflict with your mother or some
dominant female figure in your life. The dream may be a metaphor for a devouring mother or the feminine power to possess and entrap. Perhaps you are feeling trapped by some relationship.

So I thought some of this was interesting. Lately, I do feel like an outsider I dunno why. I think I put myself there. I feel distance from my friends. Its weird. Kinda like I dont feel like hanging out with them and I havent felt that way in a while. My "crushe/s" are diminished. I feel more annoyed with my guy friend then anything. I guess thats good tho that im not jealous or wanting him anymore. Then I get all excited to go out and do something fun and no one seems to want to do it. Or has time. Forget the whole money aspect bc half the things I wanna do dont cost anything. ARG. I do feel used sometimes by ppl too. Like the only way for them to come out is if I bribe them to. Like my company isnt wanted anymore cuz if I gotta bribe you to hang out with me then its like you really dont wanna be there in the first place and that sucks. Even if you are broke, theres is alot of free things to do. I dont mind paying sometimes if I feel like there grateful but when you start to feel like your company isnt even worth a phone call or a free walk that isnt a good feeling anymore. I think Im just lonely and am missing some old friends too.

The last thing it said bout spiders is that "the life is being sucked out of you" its like im doing that to myself somehow and need to stop that. Need to get back on the train that I was on and feeling good. Blah just fustrated today I suppose. Feel better now afyter whining about it hahaha. Well gotta get back to work ttyl chow.

Weekend fun

2005-06-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

My weekend in a nutshell:

FRIDAY:
Nothing much. Went shopping and got areally cute skirt and then went back to my friends house. Hahahaha like a bunch of little kids we danced around her living room for like an hour just laughing it was fun. Then we ended up at an old friends house and watched them play poker. My night pretty much ended early.

SATURDAY:
It was my friends "fake b-day"(his real one is on monday). Thankfully the rain stopped enough for us to sit outside and BBQ so it was good. Had some beers and some good laughs I tell ya. The best was when **** wanted to prove that he could ride a bike over 50km past my friends house (I love drunken changelles) and he flew past the house on the bike. No he didnt go 50 but it was pretty funny. Afterwards we decided to go to pharoahs. It was pretty good considering I hate that bar with a passion. There was alot of ppl that I knew from school there too. It was fun dancing too. For once I had guys to dance with I didnt know who to pick to dance with. Not new guys but friends of mine but at least they were all single so I had fun. I was dancing with *****(sorry im not using names). That was fun until laura came and stole my fun away. That was the guy that she "kinda" kissed b4 (in a earlier entry I write bout it). He doesnt really like her but I was about to interupted there fun anyways specially since Im not that interested in him. And it was weird bc my other guy friend seemed like he kept telling him no and pulling him away when he was dancing with me. Like as if Im forbidding property when Im not..weird.. Then I dragged one of my guy friends, friends **** on the dance floor. I only met him a couple times but hes really nice. I didnt really dance with him too much but we yacked alot that night and I kept dancing like a retard infront of him. He started laughing at me and said "you are so awesome!" It was really cute! Then of course this story wouldnt be complete without the mention of ***. You know old time I dont like him anymore but then start to like him again crush. So stupid I know. I do feel better bc I talked to a couple friends about this. They said the same thign they think he likes me but hes never said anything. Arg right? But anyways he was really drunk and started dancing with me. Like usual cept this time he was a little too touchy. Good right bc I got a crush on him? Not really. He makes me look stupid sometimes. Luckily it was only a couple of us dancing (one girl was an ex that he wanted to rehook up and got shut down). He started rubbing my hands and hold me then putting his face on my neck and lips. He kinda kissed me but not really I dunno if that makes sense. He did that for a good long time too. We totally looked like a couple bc he was all over me. And then I look over my shoulder and she was gone. I felt so bad. Then she came back. I couldnt help feeling used like some sort of pone in his game to make her jealous or something. Stupid, he makes me look stupid. Bc after that he was dancing with another chick (who is sleeping with one of my guy friends). They didnt do anything but dance but still that makes me look bad when hes all over me one min and then with some other chick the next. Yes he was super drunk but I dont care. I dont wanna be or feel used so that should give u my answer of what I want from him. Nothing. I need a good guy not this shit. Right? Hahaha back me up on this one.

Anyways after all my fun dancing there was this guy when we left the bar who touched michelles bum and tried to hit on my friend. So her bf went up to them and calmly said thats my gf. Trust me he didnt say anything to start a fight and they even shook hands. But afterwards that guy out of no where sucker punched my friends bf. It was aweful! His nose was so swollen. The guy got pulled aside and that was the end of that. He didnt even get to hit him back haha not that would of solved anything but that was a cheap ass shot. *** was drunk and tried to start another fight with them so me and michelle had to pull him away and talk him down. Finally after about an hour we got out of there. Crazyness. Hahaha fun filled weekend but I could of lived without that guy punching him not fair at all. Specially since that guy is a sweetheart and would never hurt anyone. But work calls me back ( thats where I am right now) and thats pretty much the end of my weekend so Bye for now.

Catching up time

2005-05-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

Arg, I cant breath right now. I started a cold a couple days ago and its now in my chest and it hurts t obreath, I can't breath in without coughing every 2 sec. So I thought why not update right now since I'm just sitting around....brace yourself this may be a long entry..

For starters I'll start with may long weekend. It was great! I had a blast. I was out by Lee river from friday to monday. There was a couple bad things tho :

my friends mom ended up coming out there with her b/f and 3 kids. That was annoying. I mean the cabin was big enough for us plus them but she was a huge weirdo. She kept telling us what to do, she changed the little table that we were playing cards on like 4 times (y? Im not sure) she hid all our food, then used my friends food to make her family breakfast etc. She tried telling us when to be in. I understand its her cabin and if were being loud we need to respect her but it was like 11pm and she was trying to make us go to bed soon!! Were in our 20's not 12!! At least she came out on sat night so I had one good night without her.

The other bad thing was I almost lost 2 friends that weekend. You always hear about ppl who go missing on the lake and never think it can happen to you but it can. Yes, it was stupid to begin with. I mean they were drunk and shouldnt of went on the paddleboat. But they did and left at 11 and it was like 2 am and they werent back yet. I was sleeping so I didnt even know they were missing. But I awoke to ******** screaming my friends name and I knew something was wrong. It turns out that they somehow flipped the paddleboat and floated downstream. They made it closer to our cabin but were too tired and cold to make it back. Finally one of my friends heard them yelling for help. 2 of my friends took a boat and paddled out to get them. They could of died - thank god my friends saved them. I mean by the time they got back to the cabin they were soooo blue. 1 more hour I garantee they would of had hypothermia and died. Im gald there ok.

Other then that, the weekend was pretty good. First night I passed out on the couch. It was funny tho the guys were all wrestling and then *** jumped on me and threw off the couch trying to wrestle with me. Of course I liked that bc *** is the old crush that I had. He kept giving me attention all weekend actually. We shared a bed one night (no nothing happened) I was already sleeping and there wasnt enough beds so he slept beside me in his own sleeping bag.. pooo...haha. My other guy friend jumps in there and starts cuddling with us both. It was pretty funny. But ya it was kinda weird. He kept being very flirty and just saying weird things I dunno why. He told everyone that we totally slept together and one time I leaned into him and he told everyone that I leaned my boobs into him. Just stuff to embarass me. Then one of my other guy friends was trying to copy him and slap my ass and stuff. Dont get me wrong I love that friend but when he drinks he scares me bc he gets too "touchy" with me. But *** kept taking me away from him everytime he came near me. I didnt tell him that he bugs me or anything either. He would say stop bugging my gf and pull him away or something. When my other friend showed up too and *** kept close to me and didnt even tease her too bc sometimes he does. See? its little things like that, that makes me think that he likes me but then I get big impressions that he doesnt. Like he'll talk about other girls and when were alone he isnt as touchy. I dunno if maybe hes shy or he doesnt really like me. Why would he say stuff like that then infront of ppl- like call me his gf and say we've slept together then? Maybe as a joke but I know hes not that cruel. Most ppl if they dont like someone they wouldnt want attention about it infront of others right? Arg I dunno what his intentions are. I know, I know I gotta ask him right? And I want to but I dunno what I want and Im scared that whatever this dance is that we do will be over if I say something. Stuff doesnt last forever and I need to put some kind of end of beginining to this I know.

But yea the rest of the week has been ok. I went to a friends cabin on sat till today and that was ok. We played some card games and the loser had to spin 20 times then try to walk on some railway ties in the yard. And if you couldnt do it you had to funnel a beer. So yea of course I loose and spin 20 times then fall straight flat on my side in a rocky driveway after spinning. It was pretty funny. Try spinning 20 times then walking its hard!! I fell so hard and since I fell they didnt make me funnel. We all got a good laugh out of it!

Thats pretty much caught up to date. There is more stories but I ll share these ones and yea. I ve been babbling for a while so I'm done for now and plus Im starting to feel sick again. Talk again lata bye.

Hot Hot Hot

2005-05-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, man its hot outside. Phew! Hahaha and my car is like grey inside so its really hot in there right now. Right now the temperature is 28 right now and for anyone not in wpg who reads this (if anyone reads this anymore haha) that pretty good for may. Considering last year we had snow on may 11.
Anyways, the weather is making me excited bc I'm going to a friends cabin this weekend. It should be fun, I've never been there before. Hahaha usually im not excited to go and then its fun but this time I am excited to go so I hope its fun cause epp if not.

I'm in a good mood today, which is good. I have been in an ok mood but kinda depressed lately I dunno why. Maybe lonelyness. I always blame it on that haha. Too bad there isnt any "guys"going (i mean single interested guys). The guy I had a crush on before is going but I don't really like him like that anymore, hes done things that kinda turn me off. Not bad things but I mean I just kinda want him to leave me alone. There is another guy going that was in a earlier entry but yea thats not going to happen. He made out with my friend the night at the bar (actually it was like a couple kisses) and he keeps saying it was a huge mistake and I hate when guys talk like they had nothing to do with what happened and thats kinda like what hes doing. So I dont wanna be embarrsed like that infront of my friends and yea I dont like being second too haha. Hope that kinda makes sense. So yea it ll still be fun anyways. Bah I need to find a good guy but I always say that hhahaha.
Have a good may long guys I'm out!!

DAY OFF

2005-05-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

I got a headache. Bah I hate headaches hope it doesnt turn into a migraine. I get those bad sometimes epp..anyways..

Didnt do much today. Saw my nephew and drove my sister around to do errands it was ok. Went to the store with my mom and now Im home, pretty mellow day. Thats ok tho, been on the go lately with work and keeping busy with friends kinda nice to have a calmer day.

Even though I feel like I've been busy lately nothing interesting has been going on. Friends are the same cept a couple of them are kinda annoying me (like usual)haha. Im so sick of whining about them because then I feel bad like im not a good friend. Maybe Im not- I mean would I be whining about them if I was? Or maybe I care so much that things wrong that they do, do actually bug me? I dunno. I just dont want everyone to think that were just a bunch of adults with high school problems - yes theres drama but thats what happens when you hang out in a bigger group of people. Bah all I know is sometimes I feel more adult then them for certain things. Not by choice, its just the reality that I grew up in caused me to go up much faster. I took this test once in my psychology class to see what "age group your mind is in" and most of my friends got normal marks and me I was 15 at the time and had a mind of a 30 yr old. I know it was just a silly quiz but I do believe its true - I can feel that I dont think the same as them sometimes. Sometimes thats good and at times its kinda sad because I missed out on a part of my childhood but thats a whole new story for another time..

Anyways back to the topic of nothing haha, everything else is the same really. I dont remember if I mentioned my parents got married, if I did sorry I forgot haha. So I guess thats different hehe. Hope they have a life of happiness. I know what a sweetheart I am haha.

Other then that my guy life (or lack there of) is the same. Nothing there. *sigh* Im pathetic. I talked to **** tho. It was small talk on the net (amazing since we havent spoken in the longest time) but good talk. Cept for one little problem.... he told me he was single... Epp now I keep thinking about him and wanna see him and I know I shouldnt. Dont worry, I havent talked to him since or called him to do something. Going to try to be good. I keep thinking the same as b4- maybe I do like him but I mean reality check if I didnt feel it b4 would I now? And is it fair to put him through this? Not really, I dont wanna hurt him. Gees please dont think Im evil guys im just a confused girl I tell ya...

Time to end my babblerly see ya again soon.

In the moment

2005-04-24T00:45:00.000-07:00

Once again I'm at working writing in my email (Im too scared to post directly on my blog at work) for my blog. Hahaha I know I shouldn't be on here but I felt like writing......

Caught up in the moment---------
I worked for a bit yesterday (friday) and then met up with some friends. We went to Coyotes on Pembina for my friends b-day. It was pretty fun. There was some friends who I havent seen in a while and ***** wasnt being annoying at all. I didnt really drink that much and I didnt mind it there bc everyone seemed older (my age and older) instead of the usual bar sluts at every other bar. Girls were dressed casual and the guys seemed hot. We started dancing and there was alot of us and we were so having fun just Givener on the dance floor. My friend **** has this friend who hangs out with us once in a while. Hes kinda cute but I've never really talked much to him or anything b4. But when we were on the dance floor it seemed like **** put him beside me and he was trying to dance with me. It was cute and I dunno. it didnt bug me I was having fun. Then I started dancing really stupid and goofy (if you know me thats the way I dance at the bar bc its funny haha) and he was laughing at me. I went up to him and was like "are you laughing at me? U dont like my dancing?" and he whispered "No, actually I loved it" with a huge grin on his face. This is when I noticed him... It was cute the way he said it and it kinda made me "see" him. To kinda think hey hes not bad....
The piss-off---
After he said that I wanted to start talking and dancing with him more but my friend jon grabs my arms and starts dancing with me, making me arm dance(where he moves my arms and makes me dance) for like ever and ***** started grinding with the other guy for the rest of the time. Now, I dunno if I like him or what but I was having fun and she stole my fun away from me. I dont get alot of guys be cute like that to me and it made me mad for her to do that. Maybe she didnt realize that we were dancing and having fun but still. I didnt want to start competiting with her over something I've never thought bout b4 too. I mean maybe I should be more assertive but im not an attention grabber. I dont like having everyone stare at me and I shouldnt have to compete with friends for a guy. I want a guy to like me first and go for me not one of my friends. I didnt want to throw myself in there and start grinding with them like im interupting there fun or something. But basically I left after that and that was the end of my night. Hahaha yea I know I'm blowing this into something when its not anything. I'm caught up in the moment is all. What fun would this blog be if I didnt vent into it?
But I guess its time to end this pointless ranting rave on here (bc I know when you read this I'll totally sound like some whiney pathetic girl). When your single tho things that happen like this are more interesting and all I got to hang onto right now hahahaha jk. K im out back to work.
bye..

ON THAT NOTE..... I'm at home now from after work and going out. I talked to my friend and she told me that they grinding a lil bit more but that was it. She thinks hes cute but doesnt want a bf right now (if they even like each other?). Hahaha maybe I was interupting there fun. Oh well tho its ok like I said that was the first time I noticed him and im not going to compete with a friend for the same guy... just mad she took away my fun hahah. Being caught up in a moment is great but Im not anymore so yea the story ends here. Im out byebye.

Where is everyone?

2005-04-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

Me tired.....Bah. Hahaha well guess what? Im broke!! Why??? Because I bought a car!!hahaha. I got the loan from the bank and now I will be paying for that for a while I tell ya. Is it worth it? As of right now it is. I got the money and I really thought it would be forever to get a car but my moms finacee went to look at cars with me and ta da, he found me a good one. Actually, we went to look at another one but they didnt have it anymore but had a different one on sale. So we drove it (by we I mean him - yes I didnt even test drive the car I was thinking of buying bc Im a sissy and was too nervous too) and liked it. I got a 2000 Sunfire. It funny bc I said I'd never buy a new car. I feel like a sell out haha. But realistically (hope thats how u spell that) it was a very good deal and I wanted to get a car that will last as long as my loan will take to pay off haha. So now I have a new car and fell in love. I love driving it, a car that runs good for once. Watch out open highway.

In other news, (haha Im a nerd today) I had today off. Went shopping with my friend. Some how out of shopping we ended up on Corydon for Gelati's. It was good, I never really had gelatis b4. Then ended up driving the the U of M and lastly at a friends and just watched some tv for a bit. It was an ok night. The only thing that sucked a bit is that ***** was being annoying again. Lately one of my friends is annoying alot of ppl. She throws herself at my guy friends and sucks up to them. Invites herself out and joins in on all there events. Theres more to that story but Im tired. Hahaah I love her shes a good friend to me but just kinda getting on (mine and a couple others) nerves lately. Tiredness is kicking in so Im going to go to bed. Chow-bella.

not much to say

2005-04-10T17:40:00.000-07:00

Not much going on here.... uhhh went to the bar and out with friends in the past couple weeks, it wasnt to bad. I went to pharoahs for a b-day on wed that kinda sucked. I dunno I dont like the bar that much, specially that one. Me and my friend ended up leaving early.
Really nothing new at the moment. Still working (gotta work tomorrow), single and looking for a car. Hahahaha. I think im going to look into a loan this week because I cant stand not having a car anymore. With the shifts I work I need one. But Im pretty excited because I found some pretty good cars within the price range I think I can get with a loan (I guess I ll find that out when I see how much I qualify for).
I havent talked to **** since his email. Weird stuff, but I still do miss talking to him. I know you cant make yourself like someone but sometimes I get disappointed with myself that I cant feel that way for him. Does that make sense? *sigh*
As for my other guy friend, the one in all my other entrees, lately the crush has disappeared. I dunno lately its like I feel like I got nothing to say to him. Im not mad at him or him mad at me just the convo has dried up. Maybe because my crush has died but its good to not be crushing on him. I just want to go to more things and start meeting new people so I can meet new guys and find someone. Hahhahaha cept one of my gf scares guys off. We went out and this guy comes up to us and shes like "who are u talking to?" and basically embarrsses him so he just takes off. Hahaha its like I know you got a bf but you dont gotta scare guys away from me damn it. haha... next time she can stay home..
Anyways Im off hopefully more to say next time.

Today is Tuesday

2005-03-29T19:49:00.000-08:00

Muahahaha!!! I finally finished my painting... ok well its a paint by numbers but those things are pretty hard.
Uhm.. well my last entry, things are better now. I went back to my friends place afterwards and my friend started sucking up to me because he felt bad for being a dink (haha thats right). I had a pretty good weekend considering that I worked till midnight each night. Friday I went to a friends party and Sat I went to Cowboys for a b-day. That was pretty interesting..... I was driving my friend home and we turn down her street and this car was half up a big snowbank. So we stopped to see if anyone was hurt and this guy (apparently some of my friends knew who he was) was just sitting there in the car. His head was bleeding a bit but he seemed fine we finally convinced him to get a ride home from us and I drove him home. See?? This is why u dont drink and drive (yes he was drunk- thank god he didnt hit anyone). So that was pretty interesting. The funny thing was that I wasnt even going to go out after work but something made me go. Weird.
Thats pretty much all whats new, except well I saw **** online (hes an old short ex and use to be a long time friend) and thought I'd say hi since we havent spoken in the longest time and I miss him. Of course no message like usual .... but the next day he left a email. This weird short email. Basically it said hi and he kinda made fun of me (like joked bout how late I was up) and then turned bleak and said well yea I saw u message me so I ll talk to u later or whatever. Its jsut kinda weird that he wrote me an email almost to say that hes not ignoring me just missed my messages. What does he care? He threw away our friendship so, arg, it makes me mad. I completely miss him as a friend and some days I miss him as more but I know thats bc Im lonely and I wouldnt do that to him. Lead him on bc Im lonely. I wouldnt do that, Im a pretty honest person really. Hahaha like if all we were going to do is have fun I ll say thats all it is (ahha dont worry tho IM not one of those ppl who just sleep around - just making a point). If people were only honest with each other alot of heartache would be saved I tell ya. Anyways back to the point. Its funny bc its like he keeps playing with my head making it seem like he ll be my friend then turn around and say he cant.. arg... Sigh I just miss talking to him. He really was a great guy and I know he liked me I just wish I liked him as much as he liked me but I didnt and dont know if I ever could and thats not fair.... and I know its not fair asking for a friendship either when he feels that way but then dont keep playing with my head being my friend one day and no friend the next. ARG. Damn u! haha I know this would make more sense if you knew the whole story but its too long to explain...
Anyways- work was hell today (sooo busy) and tomorrow will probably be the same so im out and off to bed! Bye!

No Car Blues

2005-03-22T15:38:00.000-08:00

I feel like all I've been doing on here lately is whining. Hahaha sorry bout that guys. I am happy but I guess I got a bit bugging me lately. One good thing is I started tanning at a tanning salon for once and I like it. Makes me feel a little better bout myself when I tan and I could use a boost of confidence in any way I can. Im going today for a little bit so I'm killing time at home waiting for my appointment...
U ever be with people who u love dearly but feel unwanted? Thats my day in a nutshell really. I went for lunch with a friend and that was good until we went to **** house. I dunno why i just totally felt unwelcome. Now I know I'm being crazy and I am welcome but I felt it. Felt the crappy urge to wanna run out the down and not look back. And I love my friends and I can pinpoint what is it that made me feel this way. No car. My friend picked me up for lunch and they all live far away from me. The whole time they were drinking (haha yes on a tuesday afternoon) and my friend couldnt drink bc she had to drive me home. *** kept saying, "well drop her off and buy some beer" or "She can take a bus." Like as if Im not even there. I know he was kidding but still. Makes it seem like im a big pain in the ass and shouldnt be there. Its like everytime I got out with no car I feel this helplessness and stuck. No one takes the time to consider how much shit I go threw to get the car. Its not my car! Its my moms and yes I do get into fights with her about it. A rock and a hard place is where Im stuck. I cant afford a car right now specially with her wedding coming up all my money is going for that. So I guess when I get teased I am sensitive with that stuff bc it really bugs me. Sorry guys but I needed to vent. Hahaha hopefully the next time I write I dont seem so crabby.

Bahhhh

2005-03-18T14:35:00.000-08:00

It's funny how some things never change. Or some people for that matter.. My friend use to date and cheat on all her bfs in the past. She would never break up with them until she had someone else in the picture. 2 days ago she broke up with her bf and I'm proud she never cheated on him. But its funny tho bc shes already after 2 days back to her old self. She drinks and uses that as an excuse and slept with someone already. Now, I love her to death and she isnt dating anyone right now so I mean thats not that bad but I just dont want to see her doing that again. Sleeping with our friends and blaiming it on alcohol. I mean I just dont respect that.. I dont think I ever will. I mean there are those exceptions, where it is your fault but it was a mistake and it isnt done again but I know her. She'll sleep with him again and say no I dont like him. Its just that were not in high school anymore and even saying that your playing with guys head and giving yourself a name too. Not good you know? The thing is too this guy knew her ex and he sleeps with her after 2 days of being broken up. Doesnt he respect himself enough not to do that.

Hahaha maybe I'm jealous. I want attention too... but honestly not like that. I dont want to flirt and be the game that all my friends can talk about that they've seen me naked or did stuff. It bugs me I dunno why. Maybe bc shes my friend and she should respect herself more and not sleep with anyone bc she wants attention and feels lonely. Im lonely but I wont just throw myself at someone for it. Im scared now that shes single. I also think apart of me is worried about my guy friend that I have a crush on. Im scared she'll try to get him. Makes me jealous hahaha. Even tho Im ok with not having him, I still got a crush on the guy and dont wanna see him with her. Am I being stupid? Or a square? I just dont wanna see her get anything or hurt and see anyone else for that matter. I hate seeing her flirt with everyone. Shes better then that. Shes pretty she doesnt need to throw herself at guys...bah..

On another note - Gotta work midnights this weekend. Kinda shitty but meh whatever keeps me ot of trouble I guess. Hahaha. My mom is getting married in April but its kinda stressful bc its so last min. They picked a date real quick and Im trying to plan her a spa thing plus a party and I got a lack of funds. Suckie.. But enough from the peanut gallery im out for now..

Fun Stuff

2005-03-13T15:26:00.002-08:00

Nothing much new here really. No drama's right now. I went to the bar last night. Hahahaha, I havent been there in like forever. I don't really like the bar and this bar I use to go to with my friends all the time and stopped over a year ago. I dunno why I just built up this anxiety bout going back there. I got a bunch of reasons (dont wanna get into them) and even tho last night I didnt really want to go I felt like if I put it off any longer to go there that the next time I gotta go I wont be able to (I have bad anxiety sometimes). Hahaa I got really nervous b4 we went there but once I was there it was ok. I didn't mind being there but at the same time I just knew that it isn't my idea of fun anymore. I like listening to bands and dance and stuff but the bar isnt really for me. I think im just at that age where the bar isnt new anymore and where I'm learning who I am and trying to find out what my interests are.Hahaha thats waht your 20's are I suppose. I might be going to see a friend that I use to work with do stand-up comedy next week that should be neat. Bah, yea boring entry but I'm totally distracted right now by my tv so I cant think right.. Watching the saint..sigh.. I love that movie.

Heres a fun question - You know in movies theres always those jobs that look neat and exciting? For example being a crook or explorer look fun. Where theres no consquences for your actions because its a movie haha...

So my question - If you lived in a movie what "movie style" job would u want?

-I would want to be a professional crook. Hahaha like the guy in the saint or oceans 11. Have like all those supplies and steal diamonds and where disguises. Be like super smart and run and hide - be all mysterious. Hahaha that would be cool.

Fun Stuff

2005-03-13T15:26:00.001-08:00

Fun Stuff

2005-03-13T15:26:00.000-08:00

Now I know..

2005-03-07T14:17:00.000-08:00

I will not be second..
So after that long entry yesterday, things have already changed. Last night I was yaking with him via msn and decided some things... I shall not be second place. Our talk was just simple small talk but I asked him how he felt bout that girl being there on sat (the one he was like obbessed with) and he went into a big speal about her. He made it seem before that he wasnt into her anymore but after yesterday I know he is. He kept changing his mind like I hate her but I like her kinda thing. Dont feel bad for me tho.. after talking to him I got this sensation of relief come over me. That obviously he isnt over her and theres no way that I would hook up with someone in that state of mind. I don't want to be someones second choice. Even if he likes me slightly, I can't be a rebound second choice, knowing that he was wishing I was her. No way. But it was weird because like I said I felt relieved. A little bit disappointed but more relieved. I guess I do have a crush but maybe thats all it is right now or all it will be. Because others kept saying stuff like maybe he likes u it kept making me think about it and racking my brain trying to decide feelings that I dont know. Now that I know hes interested in her still, I dont have to think and decide feelings that I wasnt sure of. Gald for an answer like I said I just wanted a little more clearing then that. Feels good hahaha. I deserve someone whos interested in me first and not be a second prize.... I'll find someone even if it takes a while. I will not be second.

Do u, Don't u?

2005-03-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

Scared to think and scared not to think. Hearts a beating like I'm nervous as hell.... Bah...

So guys, yes I don't remember if I said anything bout my guy friend joking saying that he got me something. He kept saying he did but I thought maybe he was lying and joking around but on friday he did actually get me something. I went to my friends after babysitting my nephew and he kept saying I got u something but its at home. I was like ya sure whatever but he said he'd give me the gift when I drive him home. So when it was time to go I had to of my other friends in the car and too him home first. He seemed kinda embarrsed bc I was like "k go get it" so he went into his house and brought me my gift. It was this real cute small stuffed animal. I felt all embarrsed (I dunno why) but that was the cutest thing. Hahahha my friend in the car was like awwwww so cute then kept bugging him saying wheres my gift? (her b day was in dec) I said thanks a bunch of times but he left kinda fast so I didnt really get to say much or anything. my friend was right drunk in the car when I was bringing them home and she said "maybe *** likes you.." I just thought it was drunk talk and ignored it.

Saturday... nothing much during the day but saturday night we all went ot my friends house and yes he was there. I was going to bring my gift to show everyone but I forgot it, besides I didn't know if that would embarass him so yea I didn't really say anything. At first I was kinda dissapointed because, well, the girls were upstairs and the guys were playing poker. Bah. But it was fun with the girls too. The girl who he liked but turned him down came over too so I didnt know how that would turn out but they didnt even talk to each other (which is good or bad). She was just talking bout the date she went on and how she likes that guy. Which in turn made me happy (arg badddness). We all went out to perkins for a bit and when we were done only me and 2 other girls came back to my friends place. It was ok, he and a couple others were still there playing foosball and us girls totally mellowed into the couch. So relaxing listening to music and stuff. But he kept (and my other guy friend) coming over and bugging us. Then he starts like getting mad at me saying why didn't u tell anyone I got you a gift?? hahaha like holy I thought he didnt really want to let anyone know... weirdo.. Then he steals my hair tie and gives my friend a dollar and I was like "I'll take that" and he was like "no its ok you can have this instead" and kisses my hand. Because I feel I'm thinking about things a bit diff with him it kinda freaked me out a bit... but not in a bad way... That was about it. I gave my friends a ride home and came home......

My friend said again to me "maybe he likes u" and now I'm trying to put things into perspective. Yes, hes flirty and talks to me me alot but does that mean he likes me? He was like that when he had a gf.. but it does seem a bit diff right now. Were both single and stuff but argggg I dont know!! I wish I did! He was obbessed with this other girl and I was always trying to help them get together but she said sometimes that happens. Sometimes in a situation people get close and start to see each other in a different perspective. Who knows.. I mean maybe hes not really into her as much , maybe he is starting to like me. It wasnt just my b day that passed but yet he gave just me something. But at the same time with all this thought into it, I cant see him liking me! Why me? Maybe I just need to give myself some credit... It doesn't feel uncomfortable around him. Well right now it does bc it feels scary and I'm nervous now around him and trying to hide it haha. But when he tries to pretend to hump me or sit on me (lol yes were totally inmature) I feel comfortable.

I'm trying not to think about it to much, I mean it makes me depressed and happy thinking about it. Happy where I feel like maybe theres something. Depressed bc I cant see him liking me and I think mabye I'm just using him as a scapegoat for the fact no one is there. Arg. hahaha I'm sure this is ust getting boring now for u guys but I need help.

I know u guys are thinking well talk to him bout it. But nows not a good time. First I'm totally unsure of my feelings. The other girl just turned him down.. like I dunno maybe a month ago and if he really isnt interested then I dont wanna bring this up. Plus I don't wanna be a rebound bc she didnt want him... I dont think thats what this is tho.. Phh for all I know he just appreciates my friendship..

Either way I need to know more I'm going nuts racking my brain. I'm trying not to think if I like him or not because I dont wanna find out that I like him and him actually not like me... I've done that with a guy before (read his feelings wrong) and get hurt. Arg either way I need to know something about the way hes acting...

Do u think he likes me from the info in my entrys? Honestly plz and thanks...

second time again today

2005-03-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

K well this sucks. I've been totally busy this week and haven't been sleeping much so I havent gotten the time to update. So I had some time tonight and updated and it erased it! hahaha Im hoping it'll reappear on here on its own but I doubt it.....

The downlow (hahaha) :

Monday was my b-day, tuesday I went to my old high school and watched my guy friends play some b-ball that they were invited back to play. Wed I went to the gym after work and got burnt in the tanning bed... not on purpose my money got stuck and it didnt work (its coin operated) so I put more in and it doubled my minutes. Hahhaaha I know my fault, but meh. Today Was joshua's First B-day. Happy Birthday!! It was pretty good!! Love that lil guy, and hes totally my buddy too. He loves his auntie bc he follows me around everywhere and when theres a lot of ppl around he sticks to me. hehe love it.

This week was pretty busy, one more day of work then some time off. I finally got some time to sleep so I think I'm going to stop now.. Hahahah besides I already vented to my vent girl bout my issues yesterday (hahha thanks!) and im too tired to rewrite everything. Stupid computer. I'll write more later. Chow-bella for now and good sleeps...

Blabbling onto tomorrow

2005-02-26T23:11:00.000-08:00

I'm at work right now(actually, by the time I post this I'll be at home- this entry is copied and pasted. Stupid work computers won't let me on my blog haha jk don't fire me). It's kinda busy or it was, I do have stuff to do but I'm waiting to do it otherwise I'll be really bored sitting here for the next 4 hours. I'm pretty tired, I went to bed at like 4:30 and got up at like 9 then 10 then finally 11... I just want to sleep hahaha...

To I guess elaborate on yesterday (whether you want me to or not- haha)... We were all at my friend from high schools house. It was pretty fun tho even tho I think that guy is a snob. But yesterday he wasnt being one and it was fun. There was one other person there too who I dont really see that much (shes kinda snobby too, thinks shes better then everyone) but basically it was the regular crowd. One guy tho got really wrecked and started trying to pick fights with everyone (I dunno why). Its weird bc hes usually not like that. So something had to be bugging him for him to act that way - I hope hes ok... It was cute bc I drove a couple ppl home and we were all singing to the music in the car (TLC - no scrubs) me my friend and 3 of our guy friends all knew the lyrics..scary.. but cute. Yes, I drove my crush home too. I really dunno how I feel bout him -arg- I think about him but at the same time I cant picture anything happening but I think I pretty much did sum up it yesterday. I find myself jealous at the thought of him with another girl but on the other hand, I want him to be happy and I'm not sure if Im just scared to loose his friendship or the perspective of him being a maybe. Hahaha its like I cant picture us going out but can picture a night of fun.. haha. He is really flirty but like I said b4 (I dont want this to be a repeat so I wont say much more) I dunno if he seems more flirty bc I see it differently or if he does like to flirt and be around me. It is me that he flirts most with. But then again I'm the only single girl of the group (yes it sucks hahaha. My g/fs are always like come hang out with us and there with the bfs- arg sadness) its like theres signs but at the same time theres stuff to back up the signs. Not to mention I wouldnt want the girl that he likes but doesnt like him back to be mad at me.. shes a friend-not a really close one but still a friend and she totally would be mad at me for it. But I guess the future only knows..

Haha I might regret writing this in the future bc it will have turned into just a petty crush or something or maybe we will be dating. Hahaha its scary bc u really cant predict the future. I would have never guessed I would have this good job and have the friends I do. If u asked me at 12 where I thought Id be at 21- well it wasnt here thats forsure. But its not a bad thing, life has its curveballs thats forsure but I dont mind where I am. Yes, I would DEFINITLY change some things about right now if I could.. but what doesnt kill us only makes a stronger and everything happens for a reason. Even if we dont like the reason it still happens for one. Hahahha holy I rambled from that thought hey. But I guess all I'm trying to say is I'll keep my life updated in here and see what happens if anything and I'm sure nothing will. I said I wouldn't talk bout it anymore and look what I did! Completely ramble hahaha K I'm done no more. I gotta get back to work..
..guess what tho?Tomorrow is my birthday (monday feb 28)!! Hahaha 21, gees I'm old. Hopefully 21 is better then 20!
Chow.

And the clock ticks backwards......

2005-02-26T01:35:00.000-08:00

BAH!! haha thats the only way I can describe my feelings... I don't wanna go to full detail bc, well, it is like 3:30 am and I need to get some sleep soon... but its like this.

My b-day is coming up and I'm getting all these mixed feelings. I miss an ex and just wished so badly that he'd call. I don't think I want him back but I completely miss him. I hate it. I wanna hear his voice and just for him to listen like he did b4..... or maybe its just tonight I really miss him. He's on msn right now and never is. Dammit, I wish he'd talk to me.... I know he wont but either way I still wish that he calls for my b day.

On the same but different topic - I got this guy friend that I've gotten closer to. Its totally awesome we talk all the time but lately I'm feeling tongue tied around him. I got mixed feelings for him and I dunno what they are. Hes inlove with one of my friends and actually in one of my other entrys I wrote about him saying its just a crush but its feeling like more lately. She won't give him the time of day (they use to date waaaay back in the day) and is a bitch to him but doesnt want him to be with anyone else. Now im not saying for him to be with me, I understand the difficulty of the situation but I want her to leave him alone. I hear his pain bc im his crying shoulder and she mentioned his name the other day and I found myself jealous. I got mad for some reason.... Do I like him? OR is it just a simple friend protection? I feel like hes really flirty with me but he was like that b4 and I dunno if in my head im turning it into something else bc I'm looking at the situation differently. It could be possibly he feels a close friendship and the need to protect me and that all hes doing... arg either way this sucks and I need to get him out of my head and get past the mixed feelings...

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, there are more to each story but I'm really getting tired so I'll talk more about it later... haha I know it just sounds like I'm lonely- maybe I am but for now sleep will do...

Sorry long story

2005-02-14T20:13:00.000-08:00

Alrighty.... heres the weekend at the cabin in a nutshell (hehehe I like that saying..nutshell):

FRIDAY: We got there and the cabin looked like a shack from the outside. The pics we saw were the other cabin not the one we had. But when we went inside of it, it was pretty big! Tons of space, there was enough room for 13 people to sleep comfortably. It was perfect for a bunch of us to party in heheh. I was in a bit of a better mood when we got out there, I was having fun. So pretty much by the time everyone got out there it was good. We started drinking a bit (well some of us- I did too) and the girls wanted to swimming and it ended up being me and a couple of my guy friends staying at the cabin while they went swimming at the lodge. I get along with them but I thought they would tease me for staying behind and they didnt- it was cute. I was there honorary guy for the night. We started playing drinking games and they were teaching me and having a great time... the next thing I know bout 2 hours go by and my micki of vodka was goneeee...uh oh is right. Hahaha see I'm not a big drinker, I never really drink. Sometimes I do but its in moderation because I get sick. I probably get drunk bout every 3 to even 6 months really.. but back to the story... Everyone else got back- the ones that stayed were juiced and after that the rest went to the lounge. To make this not tooo long of an entry (bc it will be long) lets just say by the time I made it to the lounge I passed out at the table and fell in the snow on the way back. The last thing I remember is I'm laying in bed crying telling 2 girlfriends of mine my life story. Why?? I don't know... I have no idea what set me off to make me cry really.
Hahaha what a chick thing to do, start crying when u drink, I've never done that b4. One of my guy friends was in the room too trying to sleep. I didn't even know that.. haha actually now that I think about it, I was some how in my sweats too so I'm sure he saw me change. But the weird thing is I don't feel embarrsed bout blabbing that stuff to them. I mean some of the stuff I said I wish I didn't but I feel a bit relieved. Shows I'm human if that makes sense... I don't cry infront of alot of ppl and for even that guy friend to see me cry and see I do have problems shows a side of me he doesnt know. Sounds stupid but he has alot of problems and for any guy friend to see that I'm gald he did bc I know we can relate our problems.
I finally stopped crying at some point in time bc b4 I knew I was puking! and didnt stop till 13 hours later. I like begged my friend to take me to the hospital haha. She thought it was drunk talk, really I wanted to go to the hospital haha. U try puking that long its HELL. 2 cute things came out of that tho...
1 - my friends went out for a search for gravol (bc its the only thing that helps me when I'm sick) like in the boonies. And they found some.. thats really cute I think and shows how much they care. And they stayed behind and didn't go back to the lounge too. They wanted to take care of me.
2 - In one of my earlier entrys I talk about the guy friend of mine who likes my friend. Who I've gotten closer to and "kinda" have a crush on (but nothing really major - I just care for him deeplyin a friend way and love the fact that where close) ANYWAYS haha he kept checking on me all night and even help put me to bed and gave me a kiss goodnight on my head. I think thats soo cute of him. I like the way he was trying to take care of me since I'm always taking care of him and he problems. cute I tell ya.

SATURDAY: Like I said 13 hours later I stopped puking. No one made fun of me cept for me falling in the snow one of my friends saw haha. Even the whole cry session no one said anything, just like ignored that it happened. All anyone said is that "your awesome" then tried to convince me to drink again. hahaha I don't think so. Michelle said something.. She said ya I heard your life story yesterday but said nothing more which in turn is good. She said that ****(the guy who heard it all) was being cute and started talking to her telling her that I shouldnt be embarrsed bc we all have problems and its good to talk about them. So once I started feeling better and decided not to go home from being sick the rest of the day was ok.
I went swimming, ate some food (like crackers haha) and played twister. Hahaha so much fun !! U should try it sometime. Picture a bunch of 20 something yr olds playing... lol funny stuff. I basically stayed mellow most of sat. But it was ok... The only weird/unmellow thing that happened is this girls bf was coming for the night and some how caught some snow with his tires and drove into the ditch. He was fine and so was the car but I guess b4 I knew bout the accident some drunken friends (with one sober driving) went to get him and got that car stuck in the same spot across the road haha. The sober driving was fine but if u know anything bout country ditches is that they dont look deep bc snow covers the hole. My drunk guy friend was convinced that she could pull a lil into the side of the road and made her do it and there went the other car. So I came to the rescue and brought them all back. Hahahah idiots. Besides some yaking and then sleeping that was pretty much sat.

SUNDAY: Woke up got the cars towed out of the ditches ($100 bucks later) cleaned up a bit, still vowed that I wouldn't drink again (my stomach was still a bit acky). We all pretty much left around 12 ish.

All in all, it was a good weekend. Retouched some sore roots with friends and made me realize some things. Ya I need to hang out with different ppl sometimes to be able to meet new people but I do love my friends and they do care. They sure showed it this weekend. AND I still feel the same bout alcohol. I can't drink hahahah. I swear I think im good for the year. haha don't want to drink that much again in a long time haha.

Waiting

2005-02-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

I'm just sitting here, try to find myself, get behind myself, need to rewind myself..... hahah no seriously tho I'm sitting around waiting for my friends. Were going to this cabin this weekend. There extremely slow tho. First it was that were going to leave at like 12 then 1 now, phh we probably won't leave till like 3....
I'm not totally excited to go, I am a little bit. Just to go to Gimli and get away from the city. Every time I've been to a cabin with my friends its been fun. This time it seems like alot of couples are going tho. Not that thats a really bad thing or anything but I feel depressed around them lately. I love my friends but I feel like im going threw another "need to hang out with different people phase" again. Hahaha this is how I'm experiencing my cabin fever this year. Instead of getting sick of the snow, I'm getting sick of my friends..Blah, I just know I'm a bit different then them. I came from a different place really. No money, tough times etc. I had to grow up faster and I did I guess. Sucks that I didn't get much of a childhood but I'm getting ok with it. I'm not in the same place as them. I don't want to drink every weekend (it also makes me sick) and if I do drink its to enjoy the alcohol not get slashed out of my face. I wanna go to different things and boarden my horizon, not go to the same bar all the time where the younger girls are so horish. Blah... like I said I love my friends and do have fun with them but I guess my interests are a bit different. I hope this weekend is fun.
I'm going to get going, hopefully they pick me up soon haha.. Chow

Venting..........

2005-02-05T13:48:00.000-08:00

Muffled really.... my thoughts feel muffled today. I don't even know if thats a real word. Here's my thoughts in a nutshell really...

The house is dirty. Not that dirty but to me its driving me nuts. Possibly because a clean house is a happy house and the house doesn't feel happy. It's not that bad, just dunno feel moody.

Mom's moody like usual. I hate it when she is.... Makes me moody and like I have to tip toe around the house and hide in the basement. I'm too old to care bout this. I should be able to run free threw the house and not try to be quiet. I'm not 5.

I'm a prisioner. Utterly trapped.... I feel like a prisioner in my own home. I'm turning 21 and still live at home. Can't afford to move out yet but want to. I had more freedom at the age of 14 then I do now. I live in the boonies and if its stormy, I can't use the car. If shes bitchy, I can't use the car. The bus sucks over here and I don't want to leave at 9:30 so I can make it home that night. I'm usually not even gone out by then. Stripped of my freedom. Take a cab? Can't afford it. My free spirit is stuck without a way out. I must suck up badly to use the car and even then.. I use to get up take the car and go where ever i felt like but cant...

Moody. So damn moody today. It started yesterday and won't go away. I feel depressed out of my mind..... I feel sadness built up so much to the point its past tears. Got friends to talk to but don't even know where to begin or want to tell them. They don't understand... Damn lonelyness.... numbness...

Have the ability not the ambition. Thats basically how to describe the gym membership I got. I hate myself. And *****. Really hurt my feelings yesterday saying my hair looks stupid and I look like a boy. Probably was kidding but it hurt. So conscienous lately. Keep trying to better myself or make myself feel good but doesn't work. I couldn't even look in the mirror when I got a hair cut. I walk in the gym (when I go) with my head so low.... Scared to go there, too conscienous. No confidence, don't know where it went. I can't even sit in the lunch room at work when its full. I hide from people to sit by myself. I like it better.

I hate couples. I go to my friends and half of them are couples. I can't hang out with them anymore. Why don't guys like me? Always think its bc I'm ulgy and chubby. Feel pretty sometimes till I see a couple. Lonely. Hate it. No one understands... Why doesn't ***** try to hook me up with guys? She tries to hook up other girls. Makes me think something is wrong with me.

Going to the cabin next weekend. Wanted to go, kinda don't right now. But I always back out of things then force myself to go then I feel better. Can't stand when the couples start fighting for who gets a room. I've never once asked for a room. I sleep on the floor all the time. Because I'm one person I don't get a bed? Go have sex another time. Makes me mad that they feel they deserve it more. Thats fine u wanna sleep together and I understand u want some privacy but then do your own hotel thing alone! Don't rent a cabin with your friends and expect that u deserve a room more then everyone else. Sleep together on the floor and give someone else a chance to feel the worthyness of having a bed.

Birthday is coming up. Birthdays aren't that good for me. There ok but the only good birthday is when I went to Vancouver with my mom. Awesome birthday. No one really gets me anything. Don't really want anything to tho... I guess just want to that they know me well enough to know what to get me. Last year, my friend went shopping the day of my b-day and still didn't know what to buy. Upset me that we've been friends since I was 13 and she couldn't think of anything. Doesn't she know me? I always spend good money on her birthday too. Oh well like I said don't really want anything just want to know someone cares enough to think bout me and know me to know what I like....

School?Work?Move?Stay?Car?Cat?Apartment..where? Thoughts starting to fade... Social tonight, guess I'll go. Hope its fun.

I know I'll probably regret writing half this stuff down. Need to vent I suppose. Don't think anyone really reads this anyways cept for my coz sometimes. Take no offence just needed some relief, writing does that sometimes.. Hopefully I feel a bit better tomorrow.

Not sure what to call it

2005-01-30T20:30:00.000-08:00

So yea, I am feeling better then the last time I wrote. I don't want to relaborate on the last entry tho. You ever write something and then after writing it or even saying it you just don't want to talk about it anymore? Thats how I am bout that all I will say is that I notice that when I take my allergry meds (I got bad allergies to stuff) it makes u shaky and I read somewhere that it can give u nervousness as a side affect so I'm thinking with that head cold I was getting over and nerves with a lack of sleep that lead up to what happened.... BUT thats the most I feel like saying bout that hahah thats all I gotta say bout that.

I'm at work right now as usual playing on the computer. Hahah don't worry, I'm done my work. I really like working night shifts and midnights. I like the sense of responsibility it gives me. Plus, there is barely anyone here and I feel like I'm privliaged more then the others to be here at this time. haha I know snob. I feel like I get nervous working more during the day. Either that or I really am anti -social and don't want to see anyone. I'm gald I don't have to work next weekend but at the same time I'm not looking forward to working during the day and having to get up early specially since I'm finding it hard to sleep at night. I know I talk about work alot, I do have another life besides it but work is the biggest thing in my life right now. It will either make or break future plans of me moving out or school or anything...

But on another note....

Lack of a guy in my life is getting to me. Arg I think I just need a one night stand. hahaha sick right? I'm pretty private bout that stuff usually, hoping to open up at least more on here bout it. maybe I'll meet someone at the social I'm going to next weekend. Bah doubt it. I just need a kick of confidence then maybe I'll see that someone is close...
Speaking of close its kinda funny because my friends mom keeps making comments bout me hooking up with a certain "friend" in our group. The thing is hes totally interested in this other girl who I think won't give him another chance (they dated b4). I've become good friends with him and we do flirt but its just weird out of no where that my friends mom brings this up. Shes never seen us together and she doesnt know where our interests are. I don't think my friend said anything to her mom bout it either because I've never said anything to her....
I do kinda like him. I dunno I don't think I could see us hooking up. I could see problems araising from that and plus I was trying to help him hook up with that other girl. But hes fun to flirt with specially when I lack that kind of attention. I'm sure its just a crush too. You know one of those hey hes kinda cool fun to flirt with crushes. haha high school crush. but yea its just weird that my friends mom keeps bringing it up... haha anyways I would write more but I gotta get going. Chow-bella

The Bus

2005-01-28T20:41:00.000-08:00

My alarm clock went off this morning and it was nearly impossible to drag myself out of bed. I've been worknig midnights and now today I was supose to work a noon to eight shift. I was sick this week but felt better... my head had a weird headache sensation that I havent felt b4. It was the back of my head that hurt like someone squeezed my head or something. I assume that its a sinus headache seeing how that I've had a head cold for the past week but I was trying to ignore it this morning. I remember I kept thinking that I really didnt want to work today but who doesn't feel like that?

I made it to the bus stop but once I walked onto that bus, I knew today was going to be a bad day. The pressure in my head was great, I started to get hot and shaky. I kept my eyes closed thinking that this feeling will go away. I was no where near my work and the bus was kinda full I started getting really dizzy and hot and shaky. I made it to about main street (which was still pretty far from where I was suppose to be) and HAD to get off the bus. I dunno if I was going to puke or pass out, so I basically run off the bus at the wrong stop.
All I could do was walk around for a couple minutes feeling lost and dizzy the nausua was starting to go away but the rest wasn't. So I stopped and called my mom, of course crying like a little baby on the phone not knowing what she would say. Luckily I didn't even have to ask her to pick me up she told me to call work and tell them I was sick and she'll come get me right away. Haha sometimes u just need your mommy I suppose because that felt like a great solution. I called work trying not to cry but I was and my boss wasn't there. So I felt a message with a (second incharge) girl at my work saying I have gotten sick on the way to work and I couldnt make it. She didn't say much and I hang up feeling unsure and guilty with not going in.
I spent the day on the couch sleeping and thinking, unsure of what that was that happened. Was I sick? I felt not to bad when I got home... Is it work? maybe its making me feel too nervy and making me sick.... Is it me? Maybe my problems from the past are starting to come up at akeward times... Maybe I'm thinking to much into it? I mean work was fine when I worked midnights. I felt this sensation of greatness that I was doing something with my life. I am getting over a cold maybe I just needed a day to myself. The thing I think that makes me feel guilty is because I never really puked and when I came home I felt ok. Still dizzy, and tired. My head still hurt a bit but whatever happened on the bus was gone now. These are symptoms that people always make u feel guilty for looking into. Most people go to work unless there practically dying and thats where I think the guilt is coming from. Either way now I just want to go to work and know that no one is mad at me for not coming.... I'm in a term and I feel a sense of uncertainty eating at me that she'll cann me because of this. I'm sure she won't but I just want to make a good impression.

I called in sick 2 weeks ago too. I was feeling dizzy and ill. By the end of that day I felt absolutly fine and guilty then there too. I'm just worried that something else is bugging me and writing this is making me feel even worse for thinking it. Hahaha I feel like lately I'm totally turning into one of those people who like think there sick with everything. I know A big reason I am sick is my allergies and I'm going to be seeing a specialist for it. But still it just sucks..... I'm the kind of person that needs answers to everything and I guess with no answers it drives me nuts. Maybe I am sick. Just because I'm not puking doesn't mean I'm not sick. Haha maybe if I stop ignoring myself and just relax mabye I'll get better. All I know is I'm going to be nervous when I gotta work during the day next week and have to take that bus again... Hopefully everything will turn out good tho.......

Just a thought at 3 am

2005-01-23T01:23:00.000-08:00

Yo... I'm at work right now doing the last of my midnight shifts for this week. Its going ok, I hope by writing that I didn't just jinx it tho, haha. And hopefully I don't get in trouble writing on here (they monitor the computers here epp haha). So pretty much I'm just chillaxing searching up things that are "save" to look up at work.

Alot of those things I find myself looking at are jobs hahaha. I like my job, nothings wrong with it but it is a term. Although it doesn't end soon or anything I wanna keep my eyes open too. But the funny thing is all the jobs I'v been looking up lately (besides the intown hospitals) is in Alberta, BC and Thunder bay. Looking up pics again of Whiterock ( I loved it there when I went). I get this sadness tho when I think of it. I was depressed before me and my mom flew to BC for my first trip of my life 2 years ago. When I was out there I felt free... free of what inenabled me here to be happy. As I stared out to the ocean drinking my ceasar (haha) I knew I did feel happier there then I did here. Maybe because my problems were burried in wpg and this was a vacation too but I dunno...

I'm happy now, it was a hard time and I passed it then I went threw even harder times and overcome that too. Still, I have my days where I'm happy but I know something is missing. Somedays are great and some aren't. All I can do is take each day slowly and hopefully tomorrow is better then the rest. I know this seems like a ramble but it does go back to me looking for jobs out of the city. I'm starting to feel that maybe with this job I got now that it could be a stepping stone out of the city. Its a thought and may just be all talk but I think I'd really like to live somewhere else... why not I got nothing holding me down here ... well cept a debt hahah but if I can pay that off maybe I'll see Whiterock again. I just wish too that someone would go with me but I guess that sometimes u gotta do things on your own. You cant wait for other people all the time otherwise things may not get done. I just crave that view one more time... that feeling of calmness because the view just does that to you. Sure I'd miss my family and friends and pepsi (if I dont steal her from my family haha) but doesn't mean that I won't see them. It'll give them a cheap trip to go on and me as well.

But like I said It's just a thought.. maybe just a winter blues thought too. Maybe all I need is to live on my own in the city either way time will tell. OR maybe I just need to sleep at night again (havent slept at night since WED haha). Either way...... I wanna see that ocean one more time *sigh*

Stupid computer erase my first entry

2005-01-20T13:05:00.000-08:00

OK, this totally sucks!!!!!! hahaha I like wrote a whole thing in here and lost it. ARG! I clicked on the web blocker thing and ta-da my thing was gone. How nice is that. Shitttt........
Well, I dont think im going to get into tons of details bc I'm tired ( I gotta work at midnight tonight for the next 3 days) and gotta get some sleep so I'm not falling over or anything. It's my first midnight shift and I'm excited but also scared. Not sure I remember how to do anything for a midnight shift. (its pretty different stuff to do)

Also, I renewed a gym membership for a year. It was on impulse my sister got one and I went in with her and the next thing I know I was signed back up for a year.... thats not a bad thing but I'm scared to go back and fail. Not loose any weight or not go at all. And I'm scared that ppl will recognize me and think I'm a failer for having left and come back looking the same. I know thats stupid but the way I think sometimes is too... I can consult with a trianer (for free) and get them to show what to do to loose weight and tone but I hope I have the nerve to do that. Not that its embarssing or anything, I just don't like the extra attention... but my sister is seeing one so maybe it'll be ok and she can get me to go see one or at least help me a bit. I just hope this time around I feel good again and just get that extra boost of confidence bc I'm really missing that. I'm going tonight b4 my midnight shift and I hope that It's not to bad and I realize that its ok and want to go back and see a trainer. This year has to be good I own it to myself to feel good for once. I mean I do feel good somedays but in general I could be a bit more confident and happier and hopefully I will be then maybe I could find a man... U can't love someone else if you dont love yourself and right now (even tho im lonely) I need to work on that.... blah looks like I wrote more then I thought I would, seeing how I wrote part of this b4 haha. But ya I gotta get going chow-bella.

Come away with me tonight...

2005-01-10T22:08:00.000-08:00

Well, nothing is really new with me lately. I started working part-time, thats kinda depressing. I was making more money then I've ever seen working fulltime and now working parttime my dreams of living on my own feel crushed. I know it'll happen and good things come to those who wait but I dunno how much longer I can wait for certain things to change.... I did work on my own this weekend for the first time. It went pretty good I was gald that it did. I just hope when I work midnights it goes just as well.

I've been having dreams lately about my past I dunno why. I've had a tough life with family issues and stuff. In my dreams I'm revisited with past stalkers and scary "villians" that tried to hurt the ones I love (in real life) and there doing it in my dreams. Then I'm visited by past loves (dont worry those dreams arent dirty haha) and we talk and its just sad sometimes. It's been making me kinda moody lately and I know that'll pass but its just weird. I guess I'm kinda lonely lately - I mean I don't mind being single dont get me wrong but I haven't had any flirty male attention in a while and I guess its kinda dragging me down, making me feel kinda sad.... just wondering where my night and shining armor is to save me from the villians in my dreams and take me to paradise... or at least a movie haha. If he can't show up in real life I hope he rescues my dreams and they become the place I use to love to visit.... Ahh well thats enough for today I'm tired and am going to watch tv. Chow.

Supersized New Years

2005-01-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years! I'm going to start off the new years right, I'm not going to dwell on the past and write the highlights and then the bad moments in here this time. No resolutions or promises either... the only thing I'm going to say is I want this year to be happier. Everytime I make resolutions they don't happen (hahaha and its like I jinx it) so I'm not going to do that, not going to list the moments of last year and then just maybe this year will be better then the last......

So new years was fun this year. Finally got to spend it with my friends which I haven't done in a very long time. Every year I was either working, or spending it with a bf, etc. At first it was kinda boring my guy friends were playing poker but it got fun. The only bad thing was I couldn't really breath (bc of the smoke and cats) so I didn't really drink much. We turned it into a Toga party after 12 hehehe it was fun. Then I totally got a second wind of energy at like around 2 -3 am and pretty much been awake since really. Hahaha I slept like 3 hours but thats it so far. My friend called for pizza at like 1:30 and ok, I know its New Years Eve and that the weather is bad so I figured it would take awhile but we looked at the clock at like 4 am and still didnt have it. And the people there kept lying to us saying it was on the way.... So 5:30 rolls around and there closed so we ended up hiking threw 4 feet of snow (im 5 foot 3 btw) to make it to mcdonalds. Hahaha best mcdonalds ever! Only 4 of us actually went to Mcdicks and ordered like $30 of food. Super Size me Part 2 I'm telling ya. Hahha then my guy friend passes out on the bench at Mcdicks after eathing then we realized the night(or day whatever you want to call it) had to come to a end and we went home after that. Overall it was a good new years, no real new years kiss tho but meh thats ok. Just one of my guy friends kept following me around all night falling all over me and kept trying to "hug"me. Erggg I don't really like him, hes kinda scary and just one of those gross guys u don't want around you specially when they drink so I was about ready to kick him in the nuts by the end of the night. haha he does that to all the girls and even jumps on his guy friends when he drinks and its kinda annoying. Hahaha oh well it was a fun night and I think its time for sleep so see ya!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2004-12-24T21:58:00.000-08:00

Ya!! It finally worked!! Haha, I tried updating a couple times but it didn't work and I apologize if my writing comes out huge because its not really working right now. anywhoo... Basically, nothing really new with me. I'm almost done my training with work and going to work alone soon(eppp). I'm not really that scared, I know I caught on pretty good to everything and even tho I don't see it, I've been told I'm doing ok. I just hope theres promise out of this job and they won't can me after a year (thats when my term is up). BUT, I shouldn't worry about that yet I got along time the onlything I'm kinda worried about is that the other new girl gets a premanent job before me. I jsut really want to start my live this year and get like a car or my own place - time to start my adult life hahaha. Its just that if I can get on premanent staff then I could be set for life even. They pay for schooling sometimes and thats pretty darn neat!! Anyways, seriously I don't just talk about work haha even tho it seems like it on here. But pretty much thats all I've been doing lately. Went to Bills a couple times with Lindsay. It was pretty fun, specially when the band that was playing was awesome and cute cute cute singer! Hahaha it seemed like her was making eyes with me the whole night and turned up everywhere I went but sadly I didn't get a chance to talk to him tho *sigh* When we left he was no one to be found. Ahh well the single saga still continues haha. I also hung out with friends and stuff, the usual. Yup yup but It's Christmas and someone will be waking me up in like probably less then 5 hours so my babbling ends here for tonight. MERRY X-MAS PEOPLE!

Sunday

2004-12-05T16:09:00.000-08:00

Tired, tired tired right now I dunno why. I guess I could of slept more but I still slept a normal amount. I think thats becuse all week and weekend I've been on the go. Non stop, blah. hahaha anyways though.... Works going ok, I'm starting to do stuff there so it's interesting but she told me how to answer the phone and said I can starty answering it soon. Hahaha I'm shit scared of the phone its funny. I hate phones, specially at work I still don't know anything and I get all nervous when it rings. So I'm a scared. Eppppp... I'm looking forward for my training to be done so I can get my shifts mixed around a bit more it'll be good. Yay! I just hope that I can get a premanent position (mines only a term until next Dec) so i can move out in the spring/summer.
This weekend was fun hung out with my friends on fri and yesterday went to Bills. I was inlove with the lead singer of the band! He was so cute and hot and I could of jumped up there with him. But we left before I could talk to him, I hope I see him again bc I'm in love!!! Hahahaha nah but I did want to say hi or something. I need more guts like that or else I'll be singer my whole life and I dont want that to happen. the only thing at sucked there was that my friend started dancing with some guy and her friend started dancing with some guy and I was stuck dancing with them by myself. Kinda mad me feel uncomfortable, they were both drunk and I wasn't and I just wanted to get off the dance floor but she wouldn't let me. Plus, I'm not really friends with her friend and I don't really like her. She totally sluts it up and pushes my friend around all the time. does that fake nice thing, I hate when ppl do that. But overall this weekend was ok. I going to go - I'm starting to loose concentration.................................... later chow.

It's only monday

2004-11-29T15:46:00.000-08:00

Ok finally it's working. I couldn't update for some reason. So the emotional crying thing only lasted that monday (thank god). I hate when I get like that, it doesnt happen often but when it does it sucks. Work is going ok, all I've been doing lately is reading and then stuff on the computer to train. I learned a couple things but not really much, it feels like school hehehe. For the next 3 days I'm in this group orientation then i'll probably finish my computer training this week. So this week won't be too bad but next week I'll acutally start my job as hands on training.................................

I did a bad thing yesterday, I messaged him. **** was online and I was good I haven't talked to him since we decided it would be best to not talk again and I didn't want to call him and keep bugging him like in the past so I left it up to him. And he usually waits for me to break and call him and then we "friends" again then were not, they we are , then were not....etc.. I was good, I didn't call him or message him until yesterday. i saw him sign in and right then I felt sad and lonely. Stupid feelings getting in the way and stuff lol. Then I was even more stupid and told him I missed him, even tho I know hes not want I want (sometimes I wish he was) but I can't change the way I feel. He didn't say much apparently he was talking on the phone the same time to an ex gf ( a girl he dated after me). I got kinda peeved at him because he said that this convo was getting to deep for him right now and that hurt my feelings seeing how I just wanted to tell him I missed him. Damn him! lol argg. Don't worry, I wasnt confusing him with my confused feelings. Seeing how I really don't know what it is I miss about him - I told him I miss his friendship because I don't want to lead him on, even tho I don't want him sometimes I miss him more then that tho....
Anyways, I gotta get going and I don't want to get more into that right now either sooooo yea write more later.

Today is Just one day

2004-11-22T19:03:00.000-08:00

Arg, I dunno whats wrong with me today. I can't stop crying.. I couldn't even look at my mom without wanting to cry. I started crying on the way to the bus stop t go to work today. It was my first day today. I went ok, its alot ot learn and I was fine when I was there but the minute I got on the bus to come home I felt like crying again. Then I got home and was super bitchy and my mom was fighting with her bf and she was bitchy, which made me cry again . LOL seriously arg... I dunno I think it might be a mix of different things like nerves,pms and just a bunch of other things. I'll probably wake up tomorrow fine just need to sleep it off but it is funny though bc I read my old blog and I was depressed at the same around this year.... maybe its because its bc its dark so much or something... I think I just feel so much pressure with this job bc its what I wanted and now that I'm doing it im scared it won't be what I wanted and theres pressure to do well....
I dunno my crying spree is starting to die down I think and I don't really feel like thinking much to make it act up again. I just hope tomorrow is better.

It's Just a Ramble

2004-11-15T14:26:00.000-08:00

Well welcome back pet blogger. Hahahaha seriously things disappear then reappear on here when ever it feels like. Weirdness. I was going to update a couple days ago but it wasn't working, I don't know if that was my computer or the site but meh I'm updating now.
Well it happened, I finally got the job I been wanting ever since I finished school. I start at Canadian Blood Services on monday and I'm excited! Actually I'm quite scared too. I got a bunch of what if's? in my head about the job and I'm nervous. It's what I went to school for but at the same time its alot to learn and because I wanted this job for so long I'm scared that it might not be what I want or what I like. Kinda like a fantasy, when it happens your scared that it might not be to up to the standards that you thought in your head. Yea I think too much and I'm going to just try to not worry about it and give it a try.....
I live by the saying, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" (stupid saying I know). You never know what could happen and you shouldn't hope on something you don't have. Hahahaha but lately I keep thinking about moving out. I know I don't even know how much I'll really be working or how much I'll be taking home. I know my gross pays (or at least a round number of them) and with that I can afford but at the same time I got discouraged because someone told me they'll take alot off and that upset me. haha sounds stupid because why worry bout that yet they don't know how much and neither do I. See how I worry bout stupid things? It's awful sometimes. I just want to be making more money then I am at my current job (because I want to know that it was worth it to switch). I am making way more an hour but not working as much and I want it to be at least a little bit more then right now, I want to be able to move out.
I got doubts to move out - but its still a thought and my cousin bought up me living with her. It was probably just talk but it was a cute idea. It would be kinda neat because we get along great and even if we weren't getting along we both know how to give each other room to breath and not be in each others face. I don't think my friends would annoy her and it could be fun. I do have doubts on the idea too tho. Like she smokes and I really don't want smoke in my apartment. My parents smoke and when they smoked in the house my allergies go crazy and I can't breath. Another one is that we both have tons of stuff and I dunno who's stuff we'd use - I really want to use my stuff because I bought all my stuff a while ago and am going nuts to use some of it hahaha. And I really want to live on my own too in a sense. Just to get that im on my own feeling. But still I was thinking about it today and with the doubts too and still got excited by the idea because that might be the only way I can afford it right now and how fun would it be to wake up and sit with her for coffee first thing in the morning... it would be a premantly slumberparty!!!! lol I'm a geek.

Blah.....

2004-11-08T16:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I thought I'd write this time before I feel like passing out from sleep. Well actually lately I always feel that way. I'm always so tired and I dunno why. I get enough sleep and sometimes at work I can't even concentrate because I'm so tired. Is it that im bored? Maybe depressed? Maybe this "allergry" thing is dragging me down? I really have no idea...... I need to find a doctor I think so maybe I could talk to them about it but I don't have the time to right now. I just hate it because right now I hate my body. Hahaha I know every girl says that and everyone is beautiful in there own way but its just that I use to have a gym membership (which ended in June) and ever since it ended I feel like crap. We have recently gotten a treadmill and that would be great to work out on but I'm to tired to. By the time I get off of work im so tired my legs feel like rubber and the last thing I wanna do so go for a run. It's like I had more motivation when I went to the gym. Not that I had a drop dead gorgeous body but I felt good about it and really had more confidence. Now, my confidence is low and its so hard to get back to the place I was. I went threw a rough patch after June with my mom being sick and having no job. Spending half my time doing work for my mom or running around for my sister I forgot to help myself during all that. Now, I have a job that pays ok and I can start to regain my life back but its hard to do that because it takes time and im a little impatient. And like I said before being tired doesn't hwlp that much too...
On another note tho..... I had a job interview today at Canadian Blood Services. They actually called me back for another interview and will let me know by the end of the week! This is what I went to school for and it pays well. The only thing is that I'm scared to work there and I give up my weekends again if I get it. But it could be a start of a career and I'm excited about it. If I dont get it I still have an ok job and I get my weekends still so its not a lose-lose situation. I'm not going to really worry bout it till I find out. I'm starting to loose my concentration tho so I'm going to jet. Adios.

Nothing much at all...

2004-11-04T20:04:00.000-08:00

Ok, So I don't know whats wrong with my computer lately. I'm not completely computer dumb, don't get me wrong but I had a bunch of things on here that keep disappearing like for ex. my "cool counter" is gone and I dunno why.... stupid viruses. Good thing I got my brother to fix that stuff but the only thing is I gotta like stay nice to him till its fixed and sometimes he's hard to get along with.. hahaha
Argggg... on another note.. I'm sooo tired lately, I'm not sure why. So if this doesn't make any sense I appolize ahead of time. I have alot of thoughts and feelings and by the time I get to use my computer without my mom going every 5 minutes "can I use your computer?" I'm so tired that I can't think anymore. Soo boourns bout that. My job is going good so far. It's weird I'm ok when im there but the minute someone asks me about it I don't want to or talk about it. It's like if I take it day by day (which I've been doing with my life for the past month) my anxiety doesn't get that bad and its not so bad and I don't worry bout things so much. I like it that way, it works for me. But at the same level I feel bad because some of my friends are kinda overly nosey and I kinda snap at them sometimes. They got me doing other things at work (like weighing and data imput) and I know that kinda sounds boring but its really not. Makes me feel kinda important and makes me rethink about keeping a "laboratory job" as a career. (like a medical laboratory or something) I mean I keep thinking about the future and how this girl (whos 26) at my work bought a house recently on her own. Thats awesome and maybe this job isn't so bad if she can afford to do that.... obviously she gets paid more but it shows that it can be done. Another thing is I keep thinking about the future... if I keep this job for awhile and get my loan paid off (that'll take a long time) I can totally afford to move out with this job and that makes me exciting for the future which I haven't been for a while....
Wow, I guess I managed to write more then I thought I could.. hopefully it makes sense because right now it seems like it does but im really tired. I promise I'll do a more interesting update later, my lives boring but not that boring.. hahaha anyways adios.

Wanna go for coffee?

2004-10-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

It's funny to think about the past or future. You never think a year is going to pass and try to guess where you'll be next year at this time. If you asked me last year at this time where I thought I would be I was just about to start school and I thought by this time (now) I would be in my career, possibly living on my own. But it's not like that..... I'm living in debt in my parents new house and just started a job. I didn't really work all summer because I couldn't find a job so I worked at my summer job casual instead of working 3 jobs (which is what I thought I would be doing last year at this time). The job im working at right now is okay, I mean the pay is good but its only part-time (I don't think I could work there full-time) and the work is hard and repetitive. I just get sad sometimes thinking about where my life is going and how I can afford for it to go a different way, but I guess that's what your twenties is all about... figuring yourself out. haahahaha I hate it, I wish I could skip this and be step up in a career that's a good one that I like and with a place of my own. Hahaha possibly a man that loves me... but I TRY to think of the positive and remember life is good and it could always be worse. As long as you have one good friend that understands you then everything can be okay. ..
I got a lot of good friends and a couple bads ones, haha. But theres one good friend I have who I can tell all my life problems to. She understands bc we kinda both have had tough lives and its easier to understand each other because of that. It was funny because I read my old diary and I realized how much fun we had last year around this time. We both started school around the same time and I got a ride off of her to school every morning, it was fun. And we use to go for coffee like all the time and end up at weird places haha like the airport and watch planes. haha I miss that - I hate working days bc I cant stay up late to do that... Well the reason I bring all this up is because the poor girl is going threw a rough time and I was just thinking about her. She helps me through the rough even just by listening and I hope I do the same. Even tho, we cant do all the old stuff we use to, its still fun in a different way and I guess I wanted to say thanks and I hope its fun for you. Just having one good friend to listen to helps and I feel a little bit better just by having someone listen and I hope that she does to, even if its just a little. So girl if you ever feel down all u gotta say is "wanna go for coffee?" and I'll be there. Hahaha...

The Weekend

2004-10-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a pretty good weekend. Not feeling as down today as I was at the beginning of the weekend. On friday I went to the Orbit Room for drinks with my coz. It's a cute little place but my god, I almost had a heart attack when we got the bill. For 2 drinks she was charging me like $16.00 and they should of only been $8 for 2. Luckily my coz saved the day and bitched to her and got my drinks at $8! No way I was going to pay that much for 2 drinks specially when they weren't that good. We were both in kinda down moods but it was still fun and nice to go somewhere different. Saturday I ended up going to my friends house and saw some friends I haven't saw in a while. It was kinda nice and I think I needed that to see old friends. Hahaha a couple of us were watching some Spanish porn and my friend Y was translating what they were saying in it. It was really funny. The only thing that sucked is that I can never breath when I go there... he has 2 cats and most of my friends smoke (I don't smoke) in this crowded no window basement so it makes it hard to breath. Not that I'm complaining bc I am a non smoker or anything it's just that I have REALLY bad allergies and it makes it really hard for me to breath and it sucks bc our Halloween party is there next week. I need to go to the doctor bout my breathing because its getting pretty bad, if someone has a dog or theres alot of smokers there I have troubles. Err! haha anyways tho.. tonight my mom had a dinner thing here and I watched the football game (bombers lost) and went to a friends house to hang out there for a bit. They were watching baseball and I was playing with some play-doh, chatting it up. Hahahah it was so cute bc I made this stupid little cube with the play-doh and my guy friends were all intrigued by it and made sure not to crush it. Then D grabbed it and crushed it and they got really mad at him. Hahaha I know that sounds stupid but if u knew them you'd know how cute of them that was that they were all protective over something I made and were even complimenting the job I did on it. They were being real nice today too, I dunno maybe they noticed I've been quiet lately bc I dunno what is bugging me really lately and they were just being good tonight. Hahaha watch they'll be mean the next time I see them but ah well... I think im starting to not make much sense anymore - im really tired so I'm going to go bed. Night!

Another day, Another dollar

2004-10-22T14:59:00.000-07:00

Nothing too much has happened this week. Hahaha thank god because I dont think I could afford something to interesting. Im going to autopac on Monday to look at the damage on my moms car...epp...but at least its not that bad and hopefully not to much, money sucks with me lately. I just havent made a steady paycheck in a long time and can't wait for my first one from my job. Im not into material things or a big shopalohic or anything I just want it because I need it for bills and essentials. Im also sick of being poor and stuck at home bc i can't afford to go out with friends. The funny thing is lately I dont feel myself around my friends. They all wanna go party and I just don't feel like it. They wanna go to the bar and I hate the bar, I dunno why. I just feel like 2 feet tall when im there and lately I dont even wanna dance (which is why I use to like to go) just dont got anything to dance about. But maybe I will once I get use to my new job and start making money and can take people out instead of being there lil poor friend... Ahh well maybe im just moody hahaha. I'll write more later tho I gotta get going. Chow.

Another day in paradise

2004-10-17T14:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here's a interesting second entry.. first I just want to say I hate parking lots. I hate people in the parking lots. People are all over the place, parking stupid, walking infront of moving cars, cutting you off, stealing your spots... etc. My sister wanted to get her pictures developed today at superstore. So I brought them in and then we went to pick them up. I parked infront of the building and infront of this truck (which was parked SUPER crooked) I should of taken that as a hint and moved but I thought my sister would be quick and he'll probably be gone by then. All these cars were all over the place trying to drive around this truck and it was just nuts there today so by the time my sis got to the car I was kinda boxed in. I'm a pretty good driver and I know most ppl say that but I think I am. I've had my license for a while and never hit anything.... until today.. the guy behind me moved back a bit so I went to pull out and this white car was going fast and not moving out of my way(I thought he was going to hit me) so I moved inwards to move out of his way and BANG, I hit the stupid truck. I hit his back end along the side of my car and dented my door. Luckily there was no damage to the truck and the lady was pretty nice bout it. Hahahaha when I hit it there was a girl sitting in the truck so the lady didn't even know that I did - there was so much traffic that I had to go to the END of the parking lot just to park so I could talk to her. People probably thought I was taking off but I didn't, if you saw me I went to talk to her haha. Soo in this long stupid story that shouldn't of happened, I'm pretty much at fault. It's not my car either but my mom doesn't seem to mad (even tho there is damage). I'm not sure what she wants to do - either go through autopac or not but I will pay for it, I mean I was driving no sense in her paying for something I did. But damn it what a waste of money!! Never park by a crooked truck...

It's Just the Beginning...

2004-10-16T17:59:00.000-07:00

This is the first time I've written in a BLOG so bare with me. I just needed a place to commune my thoughts and well this looked like a good one, so here I am. As my name says i am single, not upset bout being single but it is a big part of my life. So it'll be fun for someone to read and for me to write (haha not really) but yea... I'll write more later, dont really have time right now. Adios.